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Sunday, October 28, 2012

1999 post now in type

14 november 1999
Another diary is opened.  And another part of my life has begun.  After two years of total partying i have once again come home. Already want to leave but i have everything i need i need a job.  I need to try and get a job.  I have to make something of my life.  All i do at the moment is drink and smoke what a life!!! its ok for awhile but it has gotten pretty boring lately.  I need to be a good girl for a change and to forget about the male in my life who seem to have me and use me then disappear on me.  Saying they'll call and never hearing from them again.  Maybe richard will be different but i honestly doubt it i dont think i will hear from him again.  But i will try again.  I think i fall into love too quickly and it takes longer for me to fall out of it.  Jesus i still love him Justin he was really the first guy i loved.  He was my first real boyfriend i really cared about him.  May as well talk about my boyfriends and what they meant to me.  Then i'll talk about the guy i've seen but haven't made a commitment to.  Well lets see yr8 first boyfriend billy, a typical male cheated on me but i was stupid enough to go out with him again he didn't mean much to me.  First a crush, what can i say i was 13 and stupid.  Then 14 and more stupid it was a waste of my effort and time.  then onto liam, first full on pashing and first oral sex experience. ok so i cared about Liam.  Wrote enough letters to prove this one. He was my most intimate at this time in my life.  But sex didnt happen I didn't really want it to, we dated for just over 2 months, then i wasn't turned on anymore so i called it quits. neil, This was the guy who made it all happen for me.  We dated for about  2 months then we moved in together and he is the one i owe my whole life to. He is the one who whisked me away from my parents and off into lala land. So now i've moved out of home, next up was justin, my baby, i loved him beyond no doubt  loved his cheeky smile and everything he was.  The first guy i slept with maybe that made my love more than it was i mourned the loss of my justin, there were just too many problems.  He changed, i changed, and then everything fell apart. Next thing we broke up and i was no longer interested in a boyfriend.  A month of just seeing guys passed and onto my next boyfriend.  rhys was going to be the one, but he also changed too much for me to handle.  We were together for over a year, we moved in together too fast and had no mutual understanding of each other. we still talk but fight is more the word for it.  Deep down i hate him so much
but old feelings still enter my mind.  That just about wraps it up for boyfriends. I know they leave me and i don't want to attach myself to someone i know i'll lose so up to guys i've casually seen- Andrew 100% drunk, 1 night stand joel
cos of drinking, Andrew don't know what i was thinking, Chris  total babe, pity about his attitude, Robert from Murray Bridge, just a one night stand. Michael nothing special.  Cranx - the liar, yeah sure, as if i'd sucked his dick.
Woody- mistake in a hotel, but then on to Chris, Chris the other mistake - but a babe. Carl- not by choice too drunk to care.  Adam M- babe, too much  of a flirt.  Ben M-someone i cared about but he left me.  Carl- A total and complete asshold, thats qll. So my favourite is Ben. Total babe, excellent sex, so we had about 2 weeks together, totally off our heads, sex on the River Torrens.  Was the best part of it all. we were good together but he had to go back to Broken Hill and i had to sort my life out.
weve talked  once since he left. never know maybe one day we my see eachother again. but who really knows. life is a fucking mystery to me and everyone.
so who is my lifes passion at the moment. richard is. the aboriginal trouble maker to put it sweetly. but he is also a babe. i got a passion to set him straight. we had about 3 weeks together and now hes gone to get a job and a house then he said a phone call will be coming my way for me to see him again. dont know what i believe. im honestly a bit scared of him. i enjoyed my time with him but still dont know if i trust him. he says he has changed but who knows. people talk and i cant help but listen. i honestly dont know what to believe. we had good sex, and hopefully im not pregnant to him. he already got 2 and doesnt need another one. i really want him but at the same time i want to forget about him and wait for the right bloke in my life. if he'd straighten out id love him so much but i cant help but think about what hes done to his ex's. and i dont want that to be me. anyway its 12 midnight so i think i should get some sleep.  xoxo

1 comment:

Furtheron said...

Hey Lilly - been quiet on here for a long time... hope you ok etc...