back to my blog xoxo lilly

i think my break may finally be coming to an end. ive turned 31, i gave up meth a year ago in an ideal world but

in reality i fucked up about 2 months ago. my life will never be normal.... if i go straight im a junkie who has an

un forgivable past and if i dont i get to continue in a hazy dream and pretend it all doesnt exist.  im fat,

unhealthy, stressed, bored, tired, unmotivated, looking for work, regretting past choices, dreading future choices,

and so on.
ive spent the last 6 months putting my book together. filling in the gaps i dont have in writing, reminiscing and

finding memories buried deep in my brain and trying to forget the worries playing on my mind.
lately ive been mediator to all my friends fights, it seems they all class me as their best friend and get very

jealous when im with one of the others. im friends with them all on totally different levels and when they

sometimes overlap on visits, i struggle to stay composed as i laugh inside at the pettyness of their problems and

bickering.
ive realised im happy with the person i am. always will be. im not perfect but i dont have regrets in life...just alot

of big bruises to cover.  i dont use as much as i once did. only 1 or 2 times a week but when i do i go hard the

recover quickly.
since admitting to myself who i am its funny that im finally happy with myself. i wish i was fitter and into

exercise but i eat right, drink shit loads of water and have started walking instead of driving and using the fitness

equipment at my local oval.

The most new and ezciting news of all.... ive got a new man. he knows who i am, what i do and i stay an open

book. he knows the worst of me and our friendship came way before anything sexual happened. and the bonus

part is that he works away so i still get my me and the kids times, and the lazy on the couch tv days on the

couch. he also looks after me. sending me a couple hundred dollars every 4 or 5 days when he goes away to work

and doesnt have any expectations on what i do with it.
my kids love him and they show him respect and he shows them respect and kindness. he always makes time to

talk to them to let them feel included.

sorry ive been away so long. i needed to work on me alone and to get the courage to tell you all how i finally

fucked up.
xoxo lilly
ps. gledwood.....thanku for worrying and missing my blog posts. ur the reason im back.
im going to repost and answer the questions you asked in ur last comment. so stay tuned. xoxo lilly