2007

i met sam in late 2006. i was so happy with him, i loved him and his kids but my work was beginning to suffer. i lost my job in jan 2007, the family biz i worked out fired most employees who werent family and cheaper to employ. life changed for me then, i started my own biz selling prints on ebay to save up enough money to start designing again, i was making alotta money. and i was spending it on ingredients to feed my gear habit, and lifestyle. i had all the contacts whom i had good relationships with, they knew and had bought my past designs and i had a bad desire for revenge on my old work for just leaving me posted and taking away the job i loved and had done for low wages while making them thousands by designing new limited edition print editions out of old stock they were gooing to bin and adding plaques, an updated centre photo and putting the magic number out of 1000 on the border. on the plus side i learnt my job and more well while i was there and i knew everything and everyone who could help me take over the space in the market them firing me would create. in march he lost his home to the courts out of pure ignorance and was left homeless so he came to live with me and the nightmare began, i was now a taxi, a step mum, a mum, a business owner, a junkie, a small time user/dealer/cooker, and my kitchen and small house became a lab/storage facility.

maybe if i had been smarter over the next 2 weeks i wouldnt have been raided at my home when he was out and charged with manufacturing, he was too loose lipped, his mates were dogs and rats and he left incriminating things all over the place. i did the right thing and refused to tell the detectives where he was, in turn i was charged for taking part in the manufacture of amphetamines and also for unsecured firearmsx2. they asked where he went and i said i didnt know, he left me in the shit  and that should have been a big flashing lightbulb moment wen i should have realised he would never set it straight, and i would be going the charges alone. my business began to fail, everynight i lay in bed worrying and tossing and turning about going to jail. he moved out to another house and left me broke, with no money to continue paying my costs and pending trials and constant police attention and harrassment. befor i had met him i had never not had my gear each day. i covered my costs and had enough drugs each day to use it and move a bit to my mates.

15 10 2007
im trying so hard to keep it all together. i dont want to be ignored and used anymore. i dont want to feel like another kid to him. i love him but cant be with him anymore. im so angry about the way he has treted me. i have been without adult conversation for so long. sine the raid he has forgotten me. he shows me no emotion nad i dont want no affectn, cuddles or anything anymore. he is supposed to hug, kiss, cuddle and love me.. that is a normal relationship. what i have been living is a nightmare. going from bad to worse so quikly .

 

17 10 2007
still angry but trying to put aside ill feelings. not angry at the kids. im angry at sam and myself. he's nicer to me now i think hes beginning to realise i dont NEED him as he thought. handwriting is so shocking. i have no control over my hand anymore. i wish the raid hadnt happened. then he would still be here and it'd all be ok. everything has changed now. tiana only comes over to use computer. she doesnt talk to e anymore. im onto day 4 with fuk all gear. i feel alot better for it. im pretty depressed at the moment. but my house is a lot quieter. i dont think im unreasonable, maybe im too needy or something. i dont want to question myself all the time. i think everything i ask for is warranted. i think affection and love are normal parts of a relationship. not over-asking.

 

20 10 2007
got court in 2 days. my arm is causing me a lot of trouble at the moment. joes mum has gotten better and is now going to be going to a nursing home. things with sam are up and down. sometimes good, sometimes not so good. i question us a lot. is there any point. he isnt interested. xxx ooo
(continued)
i got court in 2 days for my manufacture and firearms charges. im gonna plead guilty and take the rap for it all. first offence should only be a suspended sentence. i hope anyway. im bored. bored of being here. bored of breathing. more bored of the repetitive same shit, different day philosophy im drifting into. i just want to have some hope and something to look forward to again.