12 6 2010
thought shit would be different this time round. the first 2 weeks were great. i was so happy but now all of a sudden i feel alone again. is this the way itll always be or am i just asking too much for him to be here everynight. ive had nothing and noone for so long i dont know how much to expect. love him so much, always will nd always will but dont know how he feels about me. dont even know if im wanted. wish he would just tell me so i knew if it was going to last or not. my life is fucked and has been since 2007. ive gone so downhill since then and was finally feeling it was getting better then all the lonliness i felt last time comes back again. guess i gotta think with my head for a change. if he wont talk to me then i gotta think bout whats best for me and my kids.
sam just told me to stop pressuring him. he hasnt slept here for 2 nights and the last time he did he came home after i was already asleep. i dont get any quality time with him. this shit is fucked. im so scared he is gonna go back to jail and ill lose him all over again. im just confused. maybe im over reaching. one thing i know is he is not a cheater. he is loyal in that sense. just wish i could put these doubts aside for awhile.
got a feeling shit is gonna get better now. i just gotta back off and let sam get shit sorted. i just hope he keeps off the gear. im trying so hard to and its fucked he isnt. im not sure how im gona go with not smoking. im still doing it on the tablets.
love sam heaps. love having someone sleep next to me. makes the lonliness go away. hopefully it stays away for awhile. but tomorrow is another day and we will see what happens. dont want sam to leave and not return. imtrying not to be needy and stuff.
happy as, optimistic, hopfull, settled. feeling all the above today. love being cuddled all night long. loving getting the affection ive craved for so long. especially when its from him, love having him around and knowing he is gonna put all the junkies who talked shit about me and him into their places. cant wait to move house and leave all the bullshit behind. im not gonna tell anyone where i move to. ill just pretend i still live here. ill redirect my mail to a po box and keep new address secret from everyone. cant wait to change my phone number and erase all thee numbers of people who mean nothing to me. gotta stay on track and work towards the house relocation. being in this house still makes me so deppressed. i have bad nightmares about the shit that happened. hope ella doesnt remember too much of it. she doesnt mention it bt she definately saw and heard what they did. i hope she blocks it out. then at least i wont have to explain it to her yet. gotta remember itll be sorted out and repayed soon. (as much as rrevenge makes me happier it doesnt make up for it) then at least ill be able to find out why and who did it. and who set it up. hope they feel as dirty and degraded as i felt. fucking junies and fake people....my so called mates till the gear was gone. they all forgot i existed whn sam went in. only remembered me when they needed to dog me, or blame me for something. just glad its all getting sorted. the truth always comes out eventually, ive waited over two years for the shit to be finally admitted. now they have to go thru what i did and have. thatll square things up(kind of).
another day, itll all be better soon. then maybe finally ill be able to enjoy loving and not just waiting for the next drama to happen. xxxooo.
19 june 2010
things are going great. got to see tiana on my own this morning. it was fun. we are going out for luch and girly stuff on monday. she told me she wants all of us to move in together. she told me she wants me and her dad together. i was a bit worried about what she thought but not anymore. gotta go im too happy to write in here today. love sam. always have and always will.
22 june 2010
gotta put my personal life and worries aside for awhile and just see what happens.
got offered a business partnership/proposal yesterday. need to work again. hate being lazy, love working. im gonna take photos of my stuff down to see my mate today. nothing stopping me now. just gotta keep busy and try to be straight and make some money legitimately. (and easily)
inside i feel excited and very positive that nothing will take me off track now. or get in the way. court is aall over, my business name fucked but ill just register another one. hope i dont get any setbacks this time around. having no gear around me this time will at least make me avoid the fucked up shit that comes from taking it. im not gonna fail again. work has gotta come first this time. gotta think of my future for a change and stop talking to anyone who is anything to do with gear.
fresh start and i know ill be successfull and start making money.
(pm) im sitting at home waiting for sam to get here. i have written down everything im concerned about so we can talk about it when he gets here. theres so much i need to say but im scared what hes gonna say.
24 june 2010
i knew i wasnt an idiot. he cheated. im so angry but what am i supposed to do now. he promises me it wont happen again. thats whatthey always say. i need to get over it and forgive him. i love him too much to end it. guess ill see if he really is sorry. its hurting me so much that i feel sick. imnot gonna be a doormat again.not anymore. ill move on and not hold it aginst him. i want to be with him
things are wicked at the moment. happy how everything is going with sam and the kids. just gotta find a house so we can move from this hole. i love sam heaps. im over the mistrust, etc. he made a mistake with that skank and i accept it and its done. ive moved on and know he wont do it again.
1 august 2010
ive gone downhill and have lost all direction and im over it. without your love and affection i am nothing. but if i move on im one step closer to being the person i used to be. i can nolonger be the silent embarrassment who is hidden away and remembered every few days, if at all. i can be more and will be more. if not to you then its time for me to go. i love you and miss you. not the you who is living now, the you who has once again become sidetracked and consumed by the bullshit.
its all or nothing and if its nothing, goodbye and goodluck in all you do.
6 september 2010
moved to my new place. feeling 100 percent better about my life and sanity.
things have gone pear shaped with sam. he is too much like before jail. he is blind to the affection i crave so much. he sees me at his pleasure and convienience, my feelings and needs dont impact his lifestyle. im thinking about just giving up on him. i feel like a useless, unwanted, headjob giving, hinderance on his life. i wish he would just tell me he doesnt want me. i love him too much even despite the pain and lonliness he is causing me.
when i see his eyes and his cheeky smile i just melt inside. he still makes me weak kneed when i havent seen him for a few days. he gives me mixed signals. he is so affectionate when sleeping next to me but so distant when he is awake. wish i knew where i stand with him, i need a commitment or i gotta stop letting myself get used and forgotten.
im worried about the people he is hanging out with. he seems to be getting ripped and used up. if its anything like before, one of them will soon dog and not owe him anymore for awhile. i dont want him to go to jail. i wish he could see what those people are capable of. if he gets done again he will get a very long sentence and they will just go on dogging.
i cant be around to go through this again. i told him my feelings and he just shuts off. they are all cooks who were charged doing it or with gear too. they all on bail and home d. thats the most effective way to catch more people. he is losing his perspectives on reality. but i cant say anymore. he has made it clear my opinion is still unwanted. i was right last time and i hope im not again. i love him and want him but not if he keeps being like this to me. i need stability and love. affection and a partner. i wish he would become these.
xxxooo
17th september 2010
too many paths for me to chose
outcomes will never be the same way
the way my life will oneday be
byt he choice which is best for me
my life finally seems stable
but it dangerously teeters on the edge
could be better, could be worse
descisions need to be made first
the more appealing choice right now
may bite me in the days to come
thee hard roadd is never easy
but the easy way is never fun
without the low and bad times
the good will never feel
like it was an accomplishment
to end the bad for real
the way i once saw my life would be
nowhere as it turned out for me
the paths i didnt choose to take
instead insisting on blaming fate
once again i have a choice to make
hoping i chose the right one to take
whats familiar seems safer to me
but hides the potential i know my life can be
lacking thee confidence has held me back
from being the best if id kept on track
nolonger does my future have you as my forever love
too mmany things have hurt me, making my heart too tough
you nolonger sit on the pedastool, where you once sat so high
you now show me who you really are, and my head questions why
my heart is irresponsibly leading me astray
making me forget its me who comes first today
so quikly things once good can end
and you always prove to be
unable to make a commitment
and im always left with just me.......
xxxooo
3 november 2010
confusion is my only state of mind. lately im with him then im not. im seeing him then im not. its so hard to find the words to tell him how it is for me. i need to either get back together exclusively or im ready to move on. i need sex lust passion excitement and im sick of only sometimes getting these things from him. he reels me in and then cuts me off over and over. i think he is scared to fall in love with me again. im scared but i know he is my soulmate. im miserable with him and im miserable without him. i want my hands all over himall the time. this isnt me, im usually the loose cannon who gets bored. why cant i get bored of him.
15 november 2010
fucked myself up again.let him in my heart and he screws me over again. why cant i just let go. i need to get over him and move on. i always hear from him when he has nothing then i get treated like a piece of shit again. i gotta be strong now and just let go. i dont need this heartache anymore. im so over it. all of it.
IN EARLY JANUARY 2010, I WAS SENTENCED TO APPROX 2 AND A HALF YEARS WITH AN 18 MONTH SUSPENDED TERM. IT HAD BEEN 2 YEARS AND 4 MONTHS SINCE THE FIRST TIME I GOT RAIDED AT MY HOUSE.
ID DONE EVERYTHING ON THE JUDGES CHECKLIST TO SHOW I WOULD BE ABLE TO CONTINUE LIVING IN THE COMMUNITY AND SERVE OUT MY SENTENCE. ID ALSO GIVEN BIRTH TO MY 2ND CHILD WHILE AWAITING TRIAL DURING 2009. IN THE END I WAS CHARGED WITH 1 COUNT OF MANAFACTURING A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE AND THEY DOPPED THE 2ND COUNT AND THE COUNT OF 2X POSSESSING UNSECURED FIREARMS.
I STARTED DOING THE MINIMIL COUNSELLING AND THREW MYSELF INTO MY TWO KIDS. I HAD TO SIGN IN AT CORECTIONS ON A WEEKLY BABIS TO BEGIN WITH BUT THAT WAS QUIKLY REDUCED TO EVERY FORTNIGHT AND THEN MONTHLY VISITS WITHIN A 4 MONTH PERIOD.
LIFE WAS ON TRACK FINALLY, KIDS WERE GREAT, AND I WAS OPTIMISTIC.
SHOULDNT HAVE SPOKE SO SOON. SAM WAS RELEASED FROM CUSTODY IN MAY 2010. HE SPENT A FAIR BIT OF TIME FOR APPROXIMATELY 2 MONTHS AT MY PLACE PRETENDING TO WANT ME AND LOVE ME.
HE WAS JUST SUCKING ME IN AGAIN. ALL OF A SUDDEN I FOUND OUT HE HAD CHEATED ON ME, WITH A SKANK I KNOW HAD INFORMED ON US 3 YEARS AGO AND HE THEN DISSAPEARED FOR 3 WEEKS.
I DONT KNOW WHY I COULD NEVER SHAKE THE FEELINGS FOR HIM. IT WAS FUNY IT HAD ALWAYS BEEN A CRAP, STRESSFUL, EEDY RELATIONSHIP BUT I WAS OBSESSED WITH IT. MAYBE CAUS HE WAS THE ONE PULLING AWAY FROM ME NOT THE USUAL ME GETTING BORED AND FUKING BLOKES OFF TILL THEY LEFT ME.
THE NEXT FEW MONTHS OF DIARY ENTRIES REMIND ME OF WHAT I AM NOT MISSING IN MY LIFE. I READ THEM WHEN IM SECOND GUESSING MY FEELING FOR HIM AGAIN.
No comments:
Post a Comment