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Tuesday, May 15, 2012

i fucked up.....20 days clean (minus 1 fuck-up)


SO ITS TUESDAY THE 15TH OF MAY. ITS SUPPOSED TO BE MY 20TH OR SO DAY CLEAN BUT I FUCKED UP.  ONLY ONCE AND I DIDNT SCORE IT MYSELF, I GOT RAGED OUT.  DEFINATELY REGRETTED IT STRAIGHT AWAY AND HATED MYSELF FOR BEING SO WEAK AND TAKING IT.  ITS ALWAYS BEEN PART OF MY SOCIAL CIRCLE SO EVERYONE I HANG WITH OR ASSOCIATE WITH USES OR SMOKES IT AROUND YOU. ITS HARD TO KEEP FRIENDS WHO STILL USE USE DAILY IN MY SOCIAL LIFE CAUS OF THE TEMPTATION. STILL THE 2 AND A BIT WEEKS STRAIGHT I DID TO BEGIN WITH WAS THE LONGEST ID EVER NOT USED IN 15 YEARS. SO IM GONNA START MY CLEAN COUNT AGAIN AS '20 DAYS(MINUS 1 FUCKUP) CLEAN'.
IM DEFINATELY MORE MOTIVATED, DONT SLEEP SO HEAVY AND SEEM TO BE GETTING INTO A NORMAL SLEEPING ROUTINE.
MY HOUSE IS ALOT MORE ORGANISED AND I BEEN COOKING LOTS AND TRYING OUT NEW RECIPES AND PERFECTING MY SKILLS. ESPECIALLY NOW IM EATING REGULARLY AND THE FUNNY THING IS I WAS WORRIED ABOUT GETTING FAT WITHOUT THE METH, BUT IVE ACTUALLY LOST WEIGHT SINCE STOPPING. PLUS IM DRINNKING ALOT LESS AND GETTING DRUNK EASIER AND FOR LONGER.
TAKE CARE ALL, XO LILLY

4 comments:

Furtheron said...

Well done - the fuck up is just one of those things.

When I stopped drinking I parted company with a lot of people, virtually none of them cared or it seems really noticed - only a couple came and found me and asked how it was.

I did however have to severe a friendship. Bizzarely they were one of the few who had been looking me in the eye and saying "You need to sort yourself out pal". However when I did they didn't like the route I had taken, I think they felt excluded from it, they had to be, they still drank! Never regained that one sadly but in retrospect probably a good thing.

Now I have a whole different set of friendships

smackhead said...

Hey thre-i dnt know u from a bar of soap but xcept 4 the friends part i know xcactly how u feel. I was clean for longer thn a year and then 1 day 4 no reason i jst felt like using so i tempted fate like a dumbass and for the last year its bn: clean for 2wks-relapse for 3wks, clean for a mnth, relapse for 2mnths and i have no fucking clue why(ok im not a complete idiot-im an addict & i dnt need excuses). I hope this bump was jst a sml 1 cause those big ones pull u down so much further than ur previous low. Hope that drive that the anger caused last long enuf 2 get u to 30days & i cnt lecture any1 but u shud get rid of ur friends tht use(i didnt & 4 yrs said theyll always b thre 4 me & now...? Yip) BUT i also respect the fact tht u can stay clean for 20days wth ppl using around u(i wudnt last 5mins)thn u can go 4 much longer on ur ace. Bst of luck 4 day 1(again).
Closet-junkie101.blogspot.com

Lucky1 said...

Hello Lily :-)

Congrats on 20 days clean! Its might not sound like that long to some people but in my eyes 20 days is an acheivement to be proud of!
Keep up the good work and look after urself

Claire x

xo lilly (my life unspoken) said...

furtheron.. im ready to sever quite a few relationships. i think they feel its a game to see who can make me fuk up first. xo lilly
smackhead and lucky.. thanks for the comments, i love reading everyones comments on the way it was for them. its always so relevent and really helps me look at it all in hindsight. keep reading and blogging. xo lilly