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Monday, May 21, 2012

motivated/straighten out/ normal

living takes on such a different meaning now. my head is still not clear and i no way feel normal. or the same normal most of the other people on earth experience. my normal since 15 years of age was 'bent'. it was the normal all the addicts felt...not the normal felt by straight people.
life always blew by in a haze and even though i was a functioning addict, my brain had to work overtime to do its normal job to the same capacity as others. more and more memories are flooding back to me now, and with a much more definite timeline so i can piece where they actually fit into my life. ivve started looking for work again to fill the boring hours of the day im experiencing. when it gets all too much im still drinking to take the edge off and im still smoking abit of green to get an interrupted sleep at night. then i dont lay there for hours, mind ticking over as i try to shut down and sleep.
'mOTIVATION' is a new word for my days, keep motivated and keep on track.
hope all are well, xo lilly

1 comment:

Gledwood said...

What I have found (I can only speak for myself) is that a life on drugs leads your brain to tell you that the drugged state is "normal" and the nondrugged (or less drugged) one intolerable... of course withdrawals are intolerable. But for years I was supposed to be OK because of methadone but that crap never worked for me until the British heroin market became so droughted there was basically no choice but to drink my script and shut up!

If you do anything often enough you get used to it, and in a sense have tolerance for it. Example: a person riding rollercoasters 10 times a day every day for 10 months would have a distinct "tolerance" for rollercoasters and normal life might seem very dull indeed.

I think this is part of the problem we drug addicts face. Normality is bad enough before you go on your poison, but it's well night impossible to deal with afterwards!