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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

tick tick tick.......the scene doesnt change.

not much to say at the moment. its weird how even pulling myself out of the meth scene hasnt stopped the bullshit from once being part of it. daily messages on my mobile from dealers wanting to sell me shit and the messages from people wanting to buy it. then theres the still constant accidental path crossings with cops who know me and those who harrass my friends. with manafacturing on your record its hard for their sudden excitement showing when they do a record check on e. gives me a laugh that i know i got nothing on me and no old utensils on me to incriminate myself anymore. but still the heart races and the palms go sweaty when meeting face to face with them. maybe its knowing how much i did get away with compared to the 2 times i got caught cooking that makes me nervous. i still know im a liar and i know they know it too.
i finally put my order into blog2print to get a printed book of my blog. im glad ill have a softcover book/like a diary in case i ever abandon blogging. not that i want to i just fear im becomming a bore to you all. lol.
but thankfully i still get new followers and comments from people loving my blog and telling me they are going to read all my old posts. its makes me wonder how do i really come accross to people?
i mean, ive always lived the life hard but i realised not long into my meth use that if i didnt eat, sleep and drink water i'd end up like a faces of meth poster kid. everyone ive used with or used to use with could be perfect candidates. chiks and blokes i grew up with are gaunt, wrinkly and way too aged for their years.
anyway its time to try to go to sleep without laying there awake too long with my mind ticking over about getting on again.  its in the back of your mind all the time... and is so easy to fuck it all up so im gonna switch my brain off thoughts of meth and tell you all im doing great and hopefully will find the motivation i need to start blogging more regularly again soon.
xoxo lilly


Furtheron said...

Takes time to move on - once you get there though you never look back - well I haven't. I haven't bumped into one of the "old crowd" in years now.

Good for you sticking with the plan though - top stuff.

Carrion Doll said...

As time goes on all the bullshit will slowly go away. Then one day you will wake up and realize you haven't had any left over shit from your former life for some time. Six months later and I still get people dropping by wanting to score and shit like that. Or they just want to see if I will sell them any subs when their dope sick.

Yeah, I can relate to the cop thing. I haven't done anything in a long time and I have no reason to be afraid but I still get nervous and pissed to be anywhere near them or deal with them. Of course the cops in the US are out of fucking control.

Hang in their girl, it will get better and you will be happy you moved on from that life.

xo lilly (my life unspoken) said...

carrion doll... where i live is a fairly small place so its very easy to run into people u try to avoid. and the cop thing.... i got charged almost 5 years ago, sentenced for it 2 and a half years ago and my suspended sentence only expired 6 months myname is still pretty recent in their minds. i try to remember i no longer have anything to hide but u still know they are looking extra hard at me. and inside myself knowing how long i did get away with what i was doing from an illegal aspect makes me still paranoid caus how do they eally know im all good now. either way its a doble edge sword. im one of the ones who grew brains and straightened out. its kind of a very rare thing in the game i was in so i get why they have their questions and doubts. thanks again for reading. xoxo lilly

eyelick said...

Yeah, the "scene," hehe. When eye quit meth, eye still hung out with my friends who did it. And it was REALLY stupid how some of them, although more often it was "friends of friends," who uopn hearing about how eye'd quit and how long and how much better things were for me, (or maybe they weren't paying attention) they'd offer me the pipe! UGH! it's not that it tempted me in the least, it was just really annoying to see that they missed the point of what eye said. Also, had this weird thing where eye wanted to "save" my friends and make things better for them, tell them how much better things were, wouldn't sit there and tell them they NEED to stop, but maybe try it? Eye was actually much more concerned about getting them employed, and many of them self-sufficient rather than living off of other people. it was a very strange post-meth high that crashed out months down the road. Also, eye guess eye didn't see at the time how it's irritating to most people when you're flaunting your new-found "better lifestyle" around them like some crazy religious convert.. but what did eye know being about 20 years old? But guess if you just ditch everyone, it's not something you even have to worry about!