25 days to go

so its april the 4th, 25 days till my birthday. im trying to slow down alittle so the 29th doesnt come as such a shock to the system. i know what to expect in the comedown. lots of sleep and ill be eating lots of food. rapid weight gain is expected. but the part i dread is the feeling of unusual happy moods as my head levels out again. i know meth depleats ceratonin in the brain and nobody knows how long itll be till it starts creating itself again. not enough study has been done on meth abuse as i dont think people realised how widespread it is. since people started smoking when all meth went from street (cut min 9 part cutter to 1 part pure) gear which was 50 dollars a gram which was injected and sniffed to neat/pure meth which is 50 dollars a point (1/10th of a gram) and is smoked/injected alot has changed in the after effects of users. more psycotic behaviour, more rapidly changing physical changes and more meth used by each user each week. ill be back soon...gonna internet research a bit more about the side effects when you stop long term use like mine. i mean i've spent 15 years of the last 30 years on meth. thats half my life, half my existence lived so far.......xo lilly

VENTING SESSION (and updated usage tally)

this post is another 'venting session'. so all my followers and other readers will maybe remember when i met that guy on the dating site. re. sex and death posts. so that was back in august which is approx 6 and a bit months ago and i gues you can say its going strong still but i need to add my 'erks' that make the relationship an irritable one. when i met him he was on home detention and could only sneak out once or twice a week so it was one of 
un-overbearing not constant flings. he had been locked up a couple years ago and had now been released to finish his sentence on home d...no electronic monitoring device till his parole started. he assured me he had learnt his lesson and was heroin/oxy/methadone free and didnt want to start it again. ut the oxy habit started in late november last year and has continued up until about a week or so ago when the dealers dad, ho had cancer, died and the oxy ran out.now as u all know im a meth adict going on 15 years now, ive never been interested in downers and for good reason. at least when the meth runs out its psycological and i can just sleep off the comedown, with 
such an addictive personality i knew opiates were not for me. i didnt need a physical/mental/full body ache addiction to add to my life. the guys mum kicked him out about 4 weeks ago and on the day being stupidly offtap on the meth and in a good mood i said just stay here. afterall he works most days so i still get my solo time which i cant live without. ive always hated being trapped and at least this way i have either days or night, whichever hedoes that week, to myself. but guess what???? im trapped once again!!!!i have learnt from all my previous relationships that guys always expect to be in control not an equal and i was adament from day dot when we met i wasnt a pushover and if i ended it, it was done. i told him to never talk down to me, never lie to me and if he couldnt cope with my addiction then fuck off now. i dont need any extra hassle in life. i ave my kids, my family and my shit which will always come first. i would never be under the thumb of any abusive guy ever again.the relationship is a good one, in 6 months ive only raised my voice to him twice now. two arguements in 6 months is a pretty good statistic. considering every other relationship has been a daily battle to not fight. and this is the first none-abusive commited relationship ive ever had.
so you want to know why we did hight on tose two occasions. well lets see..... i put one occasion down to oxy withdrawel and the other down to him getting tick of a mate of mine then getting a shit pay when i said to him it had to be paid straight away caus i dont fuck people over with money when i say itll be paid its paid. does it look like this is a familiar pattern for me, can anyone help me decide how i handle these issues....maybe im just a cunt and im being selfish....maybe im just better off single with kids than de-facto with two kids from previous relationships. either way im stuck.....again. maybe.
                                                                                                           
xo lilly                                                                                                 
                                                                                                        
ps. usage tally updated as follows.                                                                  
                                                                                                            
thursday 1st march - 50 deal/1point plus 1 point for lending car out for 1 hour to a dealer of mine.                                                                                
                                                                                                          
friday 2nd march - 50 deal/1point plus about a half point pipe for free.            
                                                                                                          
saturday 3rd march(today) - no $$$ cost so far but ive still manged about a pipe for nothing and a point wack for free. (value approx $125.00)                  
                                                                                                         
take care all xo lilly                                                                             
                                                                                                         

2 months and counting......counting down i mean!!

i'm actually writing this blog post on the 29th february. having issues with my   internet and computer lately so ill upload it once i connect to the net. also im   using notepad to write it so please ignore any of my usual spelling and            grammar mistakes, also capital letters caus unfortunately i dont have a spell    checker on here. actually scrap that last apology caus honestly i dont give a     fuk who is or isnt happy with my spelling and grammer. if you dont want to      read it as it pops into my scrambled brain then dont read it at all.                   
as today is a leap year im writing this on the date which is a 1 in 4 year            occasion and lucky it exists this year especially caus in exactly 2 months to the  day i turn 30 years old. dirty thirties is the usual for this decade of life but for  me it is my goal (still) to be my clean thirties. i didnt actually even realise       when starting my blog which those of you know i started counting down to my   clean date, that i would have to alter the dirty to clean.                                 
 2 months to go... i try not to think about the clock ticking away. i have           definitely cut down my gear usage of late but am still tweaked on average 4 or 5 days out of 7. usually if im not 'ON' ill be asleep or keeping a straight           frame of mind to get the overly important things in life completed. not my        usual approach to projects which start, stop, start, stop, maybe cease to exist  and maybe get completed. the latter is obviously the most uncommon or              bullshit scattered ideas becomming reality.                                                   
so from monday just passed im going to record and post my daily use and cost and give the quality a rating to help me when the 2 months runs out and i              need a little hard evidence of wat im wasting and for what kind of high. so         here we go......                                                                                             
                                                                                                                  
monday 27th february - $100 approx 1.5 points - decent smoke but not         decent enough to try hitting a wack.                                                             
                                                                                                                                 
tuesday 28th february - $50 over a point - killer smoke at mates rates so did the job.                                                                                                    
                                                                                                                            
wednesday 29th february - $300 for 4 points - shared between 3 people but    killer smoke anyway.                                                                                   
                                                                                                                        
ill continue to update the tally as the week passes by and ends, or blurs into    the next.... both are possible.                                                                     take care all                                                                                             
                                                                                                                
xo lilly                                                                                                               
                                                                                                                 

staying anonymous

i've found alot of new friends on here and i started to think about how we all blog...obviously wanting to be anonymous but then situations arise where u can help someone out and you consider losing your private self to it. i seem to have all the time in the world to read blogs but i been forgetting to blog myself. i been a bit better with the meth lately, only using probably 3 or 4 days out of 7. seem to spend a lot of time sleeping inbetween. i only got 3 months till i turn 30. im starting to question my cut off date. dont know if ill be able to stick to it. hopefully i can.............xo lilly

Prison Penpals

A while back, i googled prison pen pals on one of those sleepless nights just to maybe kill the boredom and maybe start a friendship with someone like myself. It was a website which you started first contact by looking at different profiles and choosing who u wanted to make contact with. i didnt know prisoners had access to an internet based messaging service, rather expected it would be a postal thing. either way about a week ago i got a reply by email. i replied as soon as i recieved it and the next morning he had replied again. he is currently sentenced to 2016 for the same charges as i received a suspended sentence of 2 yrs. he has already been in for 7 years. im shocked the same charges in two different countries have such a different sentencing amount. its kind of scary to think if id been arrested in america i could of been sentenced and not released untill the year 2020. my new friend is just another of the many people i now know thru blogging and chatting who i find so similar and like minded as myself. XO Lilly