So I've been absent for a long while now. Been doing the on off boyfriend, jailed boyfriend/ex boyfriend, casual adult fun which out of circumstance has become a semi permanent UN talked about over a month daily thing. But it doesn't end there. Mentioned jailed boyfriend/ex gets paroled in next couple weeks and being the doormat I used to put up with it is expected for me to provide a parole address to ensure he becomes a parolee. Well looks like the cards are in my possession and I get to deal them as I choose.
Not letting myself be a doormat is priority 1. That ended a year and a half ago when he went to jail and as the last year and half has been at my pleasure to go on visits and answer jail calls I think the message should be clear that ball is in my court. I'm stronger, content with myself and my mistakes and perfectly happy answering to no one ever again. Consulting maybe but never again being walked over and trodden on.
More to write.
So much more to write.....
Lilly xo
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Monday, October 21, 2013
teeth troubles
its definitely all to do with the meth smoking. i had to pay 200 dollars on friday to get a molar removed. it had been paining me for about a year. id been swishing cold water and wine to the left of my mouth to avoid the pain.
and now finally i can drink cold water again. the tooth was fine by the way. apparently my bone has worn away to the point of infection coming up underneath it. so im now minus another tooth so it looks like plate or dentures eventually is now the only option.
codeine and anti biotics later and it feels great now.
no other things to update. the days weeks and months fly by and im just cruising with them.
xo lilly
Sunday, September 22, 2013
im bored.
520 am. long night. nice gear around lately. im bored. need tto find a new hobby. settling into new home well, lots of dero's in the area but i keeping to myself. avoiding inviting new drama into my life. even though i do enjoy a bit of drama. it keeps me amused and entertained. dumb people in my scene, day by day it all blends into one big confusing irritating comedy show. i need a life.....wish i trusted myself to just let go of the current and be open to the unknown. it could be great or it could be another dissapointment. either way at least its something to do! lol
xoxo lilly
xoxo lilly
Sunday, September 15, 2013
apologies
apologies all for another absence from my blog. ive been living on the edge of not knowing of my housing status for the last 2 months but i can finally relax for at least the next 6. finally got myself into the public housing system after first applying in 1998 when i was 16 years old. thats a 15 year wait and in that time ive been.......................
a runaway
an independent living teen
a domestic violence victim and pregnant
a survivor of domestic violence having ended the relationship
and...................
repeat above cycle over and over.
update on my love life.
latest partner turned out to be a clone of the exact description he gave me of what i should not look for in a bloke.
typical story...... his good bloke, free loading, false pretence, lying cunt routine ran thin and then ran out.
and i went off, mental, off my head, berserk, nutter at his lying ass. it was a YOUTUBE moment and i wish i had it on tape. the stunned look on his face was priceless!!!!
ok well to end. new place is great, kids love their rooms, and im nearly ready to tackle my clothes sorting. so many clothes and shoes that i never and will never use other than when i plan outfits but change at last minute to the familiar.
im off.
blogs to read, comments to post.
xoxo lilly
a runaway
an independent living teen
a domestic violence victim and pregnant
a survivor of domestic violence having ended the relationship
and...................
repeat above cycle over and over.
update on my love life.
latest partner turned out to be a clone of the exact description he gave me of what i should not look for in a bloke.
typical story...... his good bloke, free loading, false pretence, lying cunt routine ran thin and then ran out.
and i went off, mental, off my head, berserk, nutter at his lying ass. it was a YOUTUBE moment and i wish i had it on tape. the stunned look on his face was priceless!!!!
ok well to end. new place is great, kids love their rooms, and im nearly ready to tackle my clothes sorting. so many clothes and shoes that i never and will never use other than when i plan outfits but change at last minute to the familiar.
im off.
blogs to read, comments to post.
xoxo lilly
Friday, July 26, 2013
suffocating in my own home
im so crowded...suffocating in my own home. every bloke i meet ends up worming his way in and slowly without my knowledge or maybe due to my ignorance i find a whole wardrobe of belongings, not sure when or how they appeared. plus im still paying all the rent, bills, doing extra cleaning, washing, dishes, cooking, and the thing i hate most is opening my newly stocked pantry to find what appears to be food but is actually empty boxes which once contained food.
my pet peeves...
waking to find no milk
going and getting milk only to realise im out of sugar or coffee too
open bread bags resulting in stale bread
empty butter containers
cm thick slices of tomato on sandwiches when they should be half orr less that thickness
no toilet paper ... 1 number 2 seems to equal 1 roll of toilet paper... please explain?????
not replacing fuel in car
taking my cigarette lighter so i end up using matches or the stove top to unsuccessfully try to smoke glassys
sand and mud falling off the work clothes on my white tiles then he has a shower and it turns to mud all over my floors then putting the same muddy clothes in my washer turning it into a wet soapy cement mixer stlye washer. just a few. think i could double this list and thats only a months worth of negatives and issues.
save me, help me, pinch me to wake up and learn from my past similar experiences.
one more thing. guess who has returned onto my radar...
ITS THE RETURN OF SAM.
you all remember sam, 10 months in jail this time and i give him 6 weeks till he breaks parole and returns. im wiser, ahead of the cons and 1 step ahead of the lies which i know are to come.
will update all on my new bitches and whinges.
xoxo lilly
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
sex and death returns
hey so remember 'sex and death' ex-partner from last year. well 4 days ago he made contact with me. it was a surreal moment. i hadnt heard from him in a year now. not since the oxy ran out and i didnt hear from him again. what do i do. im in a stable relationship now and then he shows up in my life again.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
life continued...
another one of these days offtap which blend into a week or two passing without realising it. the stuff around has been good, not great but good enough to do the job each day and still allow u to switch off and get a few hours sleep at night. its funny how you train yourself to function on some kind of normal level. but in reality being on is more normal to me caus over half my 31 years have been me being offtap, rattled, scattered, gearing, revving, tweaking...which ever word you want to use for it.
my circle of freinds is so small but my circle of associates is huge. its funny how every person on facebook is friends in common with every user youve met or have heard off in the city i live. i hate the people you may know suggestions. its basically a list of all the people you dont want to ever know, do know but want to forget or the ones with the bad reputations that you block before they even see their list saying you now people they know.
scary how the six degrees of separation seems to be even lower than 6 in adelaide.
that all for now. im trying to post more but still keep within my blog theme.
xo lilly
my circle of freinds is so small but my circle of associates is huge. its funny how every person on facebook is friends in common with every user youve met or have heard off in the city i live. i hate the people you may know suggestions. its basically a list of all the people you dont want to ever know, do know but want to forget or the ones with the bad reputations that you block before they even see their list saying you now people they know.
scary how the six degrees of separation seems to be even lower than 6 in adelaide.
that all for now. im trying to post more but still keep within my blog theme.
xo lilly
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
2.58am
2.58am. just said goodbye to my bloke as he set off to the country to work again for a week or so. ive seen him for a week and a half and now i get my me and my kids time. ive managed to get everything i really wanted in a relationship. he lives with me but is guaranteed to be away at least 2 thirds of the month usually so i get my alone days which i crave to process the bullshit in my head but i also have someone to share my days with.
someone who really listens to me, doesnt question my use, loves my kids, puts us first, never raises his voice...<not that ive witnessed> and treats me like a queen.
ok well ive just lit a joint so i can go sleep. im gonna save the gear i got left to have tomorrow instead of staying up asll night and being scattered tomorrow.
smart, un-junky like moment im having.
hopefully the green gets me wasted and ill be zzzzzzzzzing away shortly.
xoxo lilly
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
chasing people
another day chasing people for money they borrow and wasting time, petrol and phone credit in the process. always the same story but when you feel happy and are ion a good mood with dollars in your pocket, you dont expect to be counting the notes you need to turn it all back over again. the wait is lost money, lost sales, less credits being paid and turned over, most peoples cred seems to be always in the red and then in the black for all of 20 seconds as they pay in then go in the red again.
the hours are slowly slipping away again this morning. i got up at 530am to get bloke off to work, at 630 i started working with my daughter on her mary queen of scots project. she has to make a mobile with a coathanger, string and create the objects hanging from it. lucky for her my usually off sense of humour fits well into making and creating the perfect moments of marys life. her photo of course, a scottish terrier, a flag and map of england, a scottish crest, a throne made out of a toilet paper roll and lots of glitter and diamontes, and last of all the slightly questionable moment of her life...... a barbie doll minus its body to depict her ultimate end. though in the case of our head its a clean, bloodless, neatly removed head. not at all the case of the real execution of mary.
i guess if they approve of her reading the grisly details of marys life then its only obvious depicting her end wont be an issue.
11.16 am and im still looking out the door waiting. not a happy user this morning. lol.
xoxo lilly
Friday, June 14, 2013
no moral junks
The thing I haven’t missed about the scene is the two faced no moral junks that have no sense of right and wrong. Their closest friend is the one with the gear or getting the gear and each day revolves around scheming for the next hit or opportunity to do a switch with a water wack or even straight out pick pocketing ur speed bag or tub of neat. To add to an already fucked up situation is the hours after it goes missing that they help u look for it. They show such impressive concern and help search high and low in all the places it isn’t and never was. using this chance to mentally note where other belongings they have their eye on for the next slight of hand thievery.
Anything gold in color, with a dosage label or of cosmetic appearance is up for grabs. Not even your tweezers or razor refills are safe from scanning, calculating eyes.
The mental tally ticking over in their mind as to how much they can scam out of u this time....
Sorry to say but in 50 steps ahead this time
Xo Lilly
Anything gold in color, with a dosage label or of cosmetic appearance is up for grabs. Not even your tweezers or razor refills are safe from scanning, calculating eyes.
The mental tally ticking over in their mind as to how much they can scam out of u this time....
Sorry to say but in 50 steps ahead this time
Xo Lilly
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
gledwood. xo
i know when people smoke it really heavily it plays havoc with their teeth ~~ you get that "meth mouth" phenomenon
i think the cutter is worse for ur veins than the neat meth. but if u dont drink heaps of water and smoke it, it fucks ur teeth and gums bad. and quick.
i was watching tv the other day and saw a documentary about crystal meth in Germany ~~ it hasn't hit this country yet although the press like to talk about isolated cases when people have used it and fucked up ~~ I only know one person who's taken it in this country
our speed is amphetamine sulphate ~ baby speed in comparison!
if I were a drug dealer I'd definitely deal in methamphetamine ~ there's a glaring hole in the UK market ~ hundreds of thousands if not millions whose lives WILL be fucked up when it hits this country, which I'm sure it will
there was a craze a couple of years ago for "mepherdrone" aka 4methylmethcathinone or "meow" ~ it was a legal high with a real kick to it, it literally felt like ecstasy + cocaine except the cocaine went on for a good three hours
a big reason why the meow stuff took off was that British coke is terrible quality and the speed, which is sold by the "gram" is only an average 5% pure. you can also get base speed which is supposed to be about x3 stronger but by the time that came out I wasn't into speed any more. I used to go clubbing on ecstasy every weekend and was a bit of a drug snob over speed ~ partly because I had some bad memories and history over it from my late teens/early 20s when I took speed in a long depression I went into and got terribly terribly fucked up a few times ~ comedown so bad I literally could not move or speak for hours ~ that's probably the most depressed I've ever been. I went to my GP who knew me well and could not do anything except tell him I was depressed and then look at the floor. He gave me a medical note for that entire university term. Which is just as well as I'd done no work at all. people told me I was "jammy" but I wasn't being jammy I was just being straight I felt so terrible I literally had nothing I could say nothing I could do... if I'd got into heroin in that period, I honestly don't think I'd ever have survived...
our meth is basically clean off the plate. sometimes a bit cut but never more than 1 to 1 and if it is u pay less. for neat its about 3 to 350 for a half gram which is 5 points. or u pay up to 100 for a single point if its killer. we dont have the street speed which is min prob 15 to 1 cut sniffing stuff, cut with all kinds of crap like glucose or epsom salts. most of our cut is now with msm now which smokes clean for the smokers. but tastes like crap if its not cleaned properly.
ps do you know where the Australian crystal meth is manufactured? I heard some of it comes from Burma... (but surely someone with the knowledge and the chemicals could knock out a batch pretty much anywhere...)
ive never heard of any from burma. i know the cops keep busting ice shipments but most of our meth is local, and i mean local as in cooked less than 10 kilometres from my house usually.
until i got busted for cooking a few years back i didnt even buy it from anyone for over 6 years.
and i only get it from the source now caus i can i guess.
i've also heard that Aussie heroin is high-grade shit ~ China white. Ours is scummy Afghan brown. I've only ever come across china white twice in my entire using career, it's that rare over here...
i dont get into heroin. we have got really good heroin replacement programs here so most people i know seem to be ex heroin addicts on either methadone, bupe or subutex i think, now they use meth and their medication for the smack. theres a lot of oxys around too that they use.
... sorry I'm babbling away gotta go take it easy, take care...
;-)
comments from gledwood, maria and furtheron
I have not been very sociable online lately at all... Dunno why...
O yeah I do because I moved house! That's my excuse and I'm sticking by it!!!
plus i got a long question post u sent me awhile back to answer.
lol
xoxo
lilly
back to my blog xoxo lilly
i think my break may finally be coming to an end. ive turned 31, i gave up meth a year ago in an ideal world but
in reality i fucked up about 2 months ago. my life will never be normal.... if i go straight im a junkie who has an
un forgivable past and if i dont i get to continue in a hazy dream and pretend it all doesnt exist. im fat,
unhealthy, stressed, bored, tired, unmotivated, looking for work, regretting past choices, dreading future choices,
and so on.
ive spent the last 6 months putting my book together. filling in the gaps i dont have in writing, reminiscing and
finding memories buried deep in my brain and trying to forget the worries playing on my mind.
lately ive been mediator to all my friends fights, it seems they all class me as their best friend and get very
jealous when im with one of the others. im friends with them all on totally different levels and when they
sometimes overlap on visits, i struggle to stay composed as i laugh inside at the pettyness of their problems and
bickering.
ive realised im happy with the person i am. always will be. im not perfect but i dont have regrets in life...just alot
of big bruises to cover. i dont use as much as i once did. only 1 or 2 times a week but when i do i go hard the
recover quickly.
since admitting to myself who i am its funny that im finally happy with myself. i wish i was fitter and into
exercise but i eat right, drink shit loads of water and have started walking instead of driving and using the fitness
equipment at my local oval.
The most new and ezciting news of all.... ive got a new man. he knows who i am, what i do and i stay an open
book. he knows the worst of me and our friendship came way before anything sexual happened. and the bonus
part is that he works away so i still get my me and the kids times, and the lazy on the couch tv days on the
couch. he also looks after me. sending me a couple hundred dollars every 4 or 5 days when he goes away to work
and doesnt have any expectations on what i do with it.
my kids love him and they show him respect and he shows them respect and kindness. he always makes time to
talk to them to let them feel included.
sorry ive been away so long. i needed to work on me alone and to get the courage to tell you all how i finally
fucked up.
xoxo lilly
ps. gledwood.....thanku for worrying and missing my blog posts. ur the reason im back.
im going to repost and answer the questions you asked in ur last comment. so stay tuned. xoxo lilly
in reality i fucked up about 2 months ago. my life will never be normal.... if i go straight im a junkie who has an
un forgivable past and if i dont i get to continue in a hazy dream and pretend it all doesnt exist. im fat,
unhealthy, stressed, bored, tired, unmotivated, looking for work, regretting past choices, dreading future choices,
and so on.
ive spent the last 6 months putting my book together. filling in the gaps i dont have in writing, reminiscing and
finding memories buried deep in my brain and trying to forget the worries playing on my mind.
lately ive been mediator to all my friends fights, it seems they all class me as their best friend and get very
jealous when im with one of the others. im friends with them all on totally different levels and when they
sometimes overlap on visits, i struggle to stay composed as i laugh inside at the pettyness of their problems and
bickering.
ive realised im happy with the person i am. always will be. im not perfect but i dont have regrets in life...just alot
of big bruises to cover. i dont use as much as i once did. only 1 or 2 times a week but when i do i go hard the
recover quickly.
since admitting to myself who i am its funny that im finally happy with myself. i wish i was fitter and into
exercise but i eat right, drink shit loads of water and have started walking instead of driving and using the fitness
equipment at my local oval.
The most new and ezciting news of all.... ive got a new man. he knows who i am, what i do and i stay an open
book. he knows the worst of me and our friendship came way before anything sexual happened. and the bonus
part is that he works away so i still get my me and the kids times, and the lazy on the couch tv days on the
couch. he also looks after me. sending me a couple hundred dollars every 4 or 5 days when he goes away to work
and doesnt have any expectations on what i do with it.
my kids love him and they show him respect and he shows them respect and kindness. he always makes time to
talk to them to let them feel included.
sorry ive been away so long. i needed to work on me alone and to get the courage to tell you all how i finally
fucked up.
xoxo lilly
ps. gledwood.....thanku for worrying and missing my blog posts. ur the reason im back.
im going to repost and answer the questions you asked in ur last comment. so stay tuned. xoxo lilly
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Im back
i needed a break so sorry to those who worried if i was ok. ill post a new entry later today. lots to say aand stories to tell. need a venting session so be prepared.
xoxo lilly
xoxo lilly
Sunday, October 28, 2012
1999 post now in type
14 november 1999
Another diary is opened. And another part of my life has begun. After two years of total partying i have once again come home. Already want to leave but i have everything i need i need a job. I need to try and get a job. I have to make something of my life. All i do at the moment is drink and smoke what a life!!! its ok for awhile but it has gotten pretty boring lately. I need to be a good girl for a change and to forget about the male in my life who seem to have me and use me then disappear on me. Saying they'll call and never hearing from them again. Maybe richard will be different but i honestly doubt it i dont think i will hear from him again. But i will try again. I think i fall into love too quickly and it takes longer for me to fall out of it. Jesus i still love him Justin he was really the first guy i loved. He was my first real boyfriend i really cared about him. May as well talk about my boyfriends and what they meant to me. Then i'll talk about the guy i've seen but haven't made a commitment to. Well lets see yr8 first boyfriend billy, a typical male cheated on me but i was stupid enough to go out with him again he didn't mean much to me. First a crush, what can i say i was 13 and stupid. Then 14 and more stupid it was a waste of my effort and time. then onto liam, first full on pashing and first oral sex experience. ok so i cared about Liam. Wrote enough letters to prove this one. He was my most intimate at this time in my life. But sex didnt happen I didn't really want it to, we dated for just over 2 months, then i wasn't turned on anymore so i called it quits. neil, This was the guy who made it all happen for me. We dated for about 2 months then we moved in together and he is the one i owe my whole life to. He is the one who whisked me away from my parents and off into lala land. So now i've moved out of home, next up was justin, my baby, i loved him beyond no doubt loved his cheeky smile and everything he was. The first guy i slept with maybe that made my love more than it was i mourned the loss of my justin, there were just too many problems. He changed, i changed, and then everything fell apart. Next thing we broke up and i was no longer interested in a boyfriend. A month of just seeing guys passed and onto my next boyfriend. rhys was going to be the one, but he also changed too much for me to handle. We were together for over a year, we moved in together too fast and had no mutual understanding of each other. we still talk but fight is more the word for it. Deep down i hate him so much
but old feelings still enter my mind. That just about wraps it up for boyfriends. I know they leave me and i don't want to attach myself to someone i know i'll lose so up to guys i've casually seen- Andrew 100% drunk, 1 night stand joel
cos of drinking, Andrew don't know what i was thinking, Chris total babe, pity about his attitude, Robert from Murray Bridge, just a one night stand. Michael nothing special. Cranx - the liar, yeah sure, as if i'd sucked his dick.
Woody- mistake in a hotel, but then on to Chris, Chris the other mistake - but a babe. Carl- not by choice too drunk to care. Adam M- babe, too much of a flirt. Ben M-someone i cared about but he left me. Carl- A total and complete asshold, thats qll. So my favourite is Ben. Total babe, excellent sex, so we had about 2 weeks together, totally off our heads, sex on the River Torrens. Was the best part of it all. we were good together but he had to go back to Broken Hill and i had to sort my life out.
weve talked once since he left. never know maybe one day we my see eachother again. but who really knows. life is a fucking mystery to me and everyone.
so who is my lifes passion at the moment. richard is. the aboriginal trouble maker to put it sweetly. but he is also a babe. i got a passion to set him straight. we had about 3 weeks together and now hes gone to get a job and a house then he said a phone call will be coming my way for me to see him again. dont know what i believe. im honestly a bit scared of him. i enjoyed my time with him but still dont know if i trust him. he says he has changed but who knows. people talk and i cant help but listen. i honestly dont know what to believe. we had good sex, and hopefully im not pregnant to him. he already got 2 and doesnt need another one. i really want him but at the same time i want to forget about him and wait for the right bloke in my life. if he'd straighten out id love him so much but i cant help but think about what hes done to his ex's. and i dont want that to be me. anyway its 12 midnight so i think i should get some sleep. xoxo
Another diary is opened. And another part of my life has begun. After two years of total partying i have once again come home. Already want to leave but i have everything i need i need a job. I need to try and get a job. I have to make something of my life. All i do at the moment is drink and smoke what a life!!! its ok for awhile but it has gotten pretty boring lately. I need to be a good girl for a change and to forget about the male in my life who seem to have me and use me then disappear on me. Saying they'll call and never hearing from them again. Maybe richard will be different but i honestly doubt it i dont think i will hear from him again. But i will try again. I think i fall into love too quickly and it takes longer for me to fall out of it. Jesus i still love him Justin he was really the first guy i loved. He was my first real boyfriend i really cared about him. May as well talk about my boyfriends and what they meant to me. Then i'll talk about the guy i've seen but haven't made a commitment to. Well lets see yr8 first boyfriend billy, a typical male cheated on me but i was stupid enough to go out with him again he didn't mean much to me. First a crush, what can i say i was 13 and stupid. Then 14 and more stupid it was a waste of my effort and time. then onto liam, first full on pashing and first oral sex experience. ok so i cared about Liam. Wrote enough letters to prove this one. He was my most intimate at this time in my life. But sex didnt happen I didn't really want it to, we dated for just over 2 months, then i wasn't turned on anymore so i called it quits. neil, This was the guy who made it all happen for me. We dated for about 2 months then we moved in together and he is the one i owe my whole life to. He is the one who whisked me away from my parents and off into lala land. So now i've moved out of home, next up was justin, my baby, i loved him beyond no doubt loved his cheeky smile and everything he was. The first guy i slept with maybe that made my love more than it was i mourned the loss of my justin, there were just too many problems. He changed, i changed, and then everything fell apart. Next thing we broke up and i was no longer interested in a boyfriend. A month of just seeing guys passed and onto my next boyfriend. rhys was going to be the one, but he also changed too much for me to handle. We were together for over a year, we moved in together too fast and had no mutual understanding of each other. we still talk but fight is more the word for it. Deep down i hate him so much
but old feelings still enter my mind. That just about wraps it up for boyfriends. I know they leave me and i don't want to attach myself to someone i know i'll lose so up to guys i've casually seen- Andrew 100% drunk, 1 night stand joel
cos of drinking, Andrew don't know what i was thinking, Chris total babe, pity about his attitude, Robert from Murray Bridge, just a one night stand. Michael nothing special. Cranx - the liar, yeah sure, as if i'd sucked his dick.
Woody- mistake in a hotel, but then on to Chris, Chris the other mistake - but a babe. Carl- not by choice too drunk to care. Adam M- babe, too much of a flirt. Ben M-someone i cared about but he left me. Carl- A total and complete asshold, thats qll. So my favourite is Ben. Total babe, excellent sex, so we had about 2 weeks together, totally off our heads, sex on the River Torrens. Was the best part of it all. we were good together but he had to go back to Broken Hill and i had to sort my life out.
weve talked once since he left. never know maybe one day we my see eachother again. but who really knows. life is a fucking mystery to me and everyone.
so who is my lifes passion at the moment. richard is. the aboriginal trouble maker to put it sweetly. but he is also a babe. i got a passion to set him straight. we had about 3 weeks together and now hes gone to get a job and a house then he said a phone call will be coming my way for me to see him again. dont know what i believe. im honestly a bit scared of him. i enjoyed my time with him but still dont know if i trust him. he says he has changed but who knows. people talk and i cant help but listen. i honestly dont know what to believe. we had good sex, and hopefully im not pregnant to him. he already got 2 and doesnt need another one. i really want him but at the same time i want to forget about him and wait for the right bloke in my life. if he'd straighten out id love him so much but i cant help but think about what hes done to his ex's. and i dont want that to be me. anyway its 12 midnight so i think i should get some sleep. xoxo
Thursday, October 4, 2012
scars and bumps
hey all,
just thought id upload a post of some of my permanent visual reminders of my meth years. at least now they starting to fade a bit but most of them will never fade completely. even the areas of my body i dont have scars from using but did use there have these dark permanent bruises or discoloration to the skin. also i goot a lot of scar tissue and lumpy bumps where misses didnt turn to holes. pretty gross hey.
lol xo lilly
just thought id upload a post of some of my permanent visual reminders of my meth years. at least now they starting to fade a bit but most of them will never fade completely. even the areas of my body i dont have scars from using but did use there have these dark permanent bruises or discoloration to the skin. also i goot a lot of scar tissue and lumpy bumps where misses didnt turn to holes. pretty gross hey.
lol xo lilly
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
posts ive updated
2010 facing the reality of jail talk!!! FROM SAM TO SANE!!!
part of 2000
and most of 2007
part of 2000
and most of 2007
hand writing entries now in type
just a quik note to add....................
i been spending a lot of time typing out the letters i scanned into my early blog entries so they are easier to read and boy has it been a huge job. especially trying to read my illegible hand writing.
but ill keep at it till they all put into type. xoxo lilly
i been spending a lot of time typing out the letters i scanned into my early blog entries so they are easier to read and boy has it been a huge job. especially trying to read my illegible hand writing.
but ill keep at it till they all put into type. xoxo lilly
CHAMPIX
sorry i been absent for awhile. busy, busy on my end.
big, BIG news for you all..... Ive quit smoking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and its going very easily thanks to meds i got prescribed.
CHAMPIX works but they say to smoke longer into starting the course of meds but i couldnt do it. by the 7th day i was down from a pack a day to a pack in no less than 3 days and most of them were bummed off me anyway.
knowing i had a smoke stashed in my bag kept the anxiety away but i dont need to smoke it....
hopefully i can quit for good this time. its such a filthy habit.
thats all for now. im out....xo xo lilly
big, BIG news for you all..... Ive quit smoking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and its going very easily thanks to meds i got prescribed.
CHAMPIX works but they say to smoke longer into starting the course of meds but i couldnt do it. by the 7th day i was down from a pack a day to a pack in no less than 3 days and most of them were bummed off me anyway.
knowing i had a smoke stashed in my bag kept the anxiety away but i dont need to smoke it....
hopefully i can quit for good this time. its such a filthy habit.
thats all for now. im out....xo xo lilly
Monday, July 30, 2012
situations you once used drugs to get through
stress. loud voices. mayhem. party planning and executing. cakes. cleaning. interacting with your kids friends parents'.
all the above could once be easily dealt with by being a little left of centre, a little tweaked and just dosed enough to be able to concentrate and work thru it.
i just had to organise and run my daughters birthday party on friday night. its the first one ive ever had to deal with in a very straight stressed way. usually i manage to pay either a kids party organiser/mcdonalds party host/play centre host to deal with all the bullshit. from the organising to the cleaning up. including the games and playing the host to usually 10 screaming guests. this time was different. as my kiddo just turned 10, her choice of party was a pool party. held at the local aquatic centre. this year her dad wanted to organiise it so i agreed. big mistake caus his idea of organising it is to ay for it then to leave all the food, games, supervision, drinks, lolly bags and transport up to me. now 10 year olds can swim safely and the place does have life guards but when you got 10 kidss going in all directions, and having to be on top of everyones where a bouts it was real hard to process and stay on top of it all. then theres the parents who hung around just to talk about which high school you were thinking about, and why, and who and where......and just about every other question/queries u co7uld possibly think of.
glad to say the party is done, the kids all went home without drowning and ill never let her dad pretend to organise anything ever again. lol.
its been a hectic few monthss and i feel l8ike im never sitting down and relaxing for long before im on my feet stressing, organsing and planning the next playdate or party. and with my little one showing signs of major hyperactivity or something similar its getting too much for just meyself to deal with. i need to pace myself, write some task/things to do lists and just tackle my way through the things i need to get done.
sorry to bitch but i needed to vent and this is my best outlet to do so.
xoxo lilly
all the above could once be easily dealt with by being a little left of centre, a little tweaked and just dosed enough to be able to concentrate and work thru it.
i just had to organise and run my daughters birthday party on friday night. its the first one ive ever had to deal with in a very straight stressed way. usually i manage to pay either a kids party organiser/mcdonalds party host/play centre host to deal with all the bullshit. from the organising to the cleaning up. including the games and playing the host to usually 10 screaming guests. this time was different. as my kiddo just turned 10, her choice of party was a pool party. held at the local aquatic centre. this year her dad wanted to organiise it so i agreed. big mistake caus his idea of organising it is to ay for it then to leave all the food, games, supervision, drinks, lolly bags and transport up to me. now 10 year olds can swim safely and the place does have life guards but when you got 10 kidss going in all directions, and having to be on top of everyones where a bouts it was real hard to process and stay on top of it all. then theres the parents who hung around just to talk about which high school you were thinking about, and why, and who and where......and just about every other question/queries u co7uld possibly think of.
glad to say the party is done, the kids all went home without drowning and ill never let her dad pretend to organise anything ever again. lol.
its been a hectic few monthss and i feel l8ike im never sitting down and relaxing for long before im on my feet stressing, organsing and planning the next playdate or party. and with my little one showing signs of major hyperactivity or something similar its getting too much for just meyself to deal with. i need to pace myself, write some task/things to do lists and just tackle my way through the things i need to get done.
sorry to bitch but i needed to vent and this is my best outlet to do so.
xoxo lilly
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
rambling on....and on....
i finally bought myself a wireless keyboard and no longer have to use the tiny keyboard with the unfamiliar key locations on my mini laptop. its one of those acer aspire 10inch, no CD/DVD drive, not enough usb port deals. with a bit of a re-modelling from my little one who decided to pick all the keys of it and lose half of them plus lose the little rubber thing under them and the clips. i mean why cant modern keyboards be like the old style Atari ones with individual mechanical switches. and don't get me started on the touch pad mouse/pointing devices you have to use because of the lack of usb ports for a usb standard mouse we have always used and grown familiar with.
now i got no excuses about how hard it is to type my blog posts. and i wont bother making excuses about my lack of proper grammar/spelling caus to be honest i sometimes re read what Ive typed and start over thinking how it sounds so i type as it flows. best way to get the real deal on how i feel like it would be if you were reading a handwritten diary.
i finally got a new prepaid modem account and device and even though its cheaper to surf with this as i get approx 2 gigs for 29 dollars instead of 500mb as part of my monthly mobile prepaid 29 dollar cap plan, it doesn't give much data as if i still had a adsl account. I'm hopeless paying bills on time so i keep extra utilities/bills as a no go thing. I'm thinking of declaring bankruptcy but even if i do, ill still have to pay all my outstanding court fines which currently must be down to no more than 4 or 5000. i started paying fortnightly court plan payment when i was about 18 years old at a rate of 60 a fortnight until about 2 years ago when i applied for a court ordered income assessment and i now pay 20 a fortnight. that adds up to approximately 16460 paid and I'm still not paid off. i don't even know how it reached that much. here's an approximate breakdown of the things I've been charged with in the past....
1x manufacturing meth- 140
19x driving unlicensed/unregistered-4 to 800 depending on judge
9x driving uninsured/unregistered add another 400 to the above
approx 5 other small charges at about 2 - 300 depending on offence i committed.
then you gotta add court fees and levy of up to 180 for each fine ever issued.
can anyone pick the obviously flawed fine i received out of the above......i only got charged 140 for manufacturing meth. up to 25 yrs in prison possibility yet i get a fine of 140 with my sentence which was suspended. hard justice hey....lol.
i gotta go watch neighbours and home and away (favourite nightly Australian soap's) so ill write more later.
xo lilly
now i got no excuses about how hard it is to type my blog posts. and i wont bother making excuses about my lack of proper grammar/spelling caus to be honest i sometimes re read what Ive typed and start over thinking how it sounds so i type as it flows. best way to get the real deal on how i feel like it would be if you were reading a handwritten diary.
i finally got a new prepaid modem account and device and even though its cheaper to surf with this as i get approx 2 gigs for 29 dollars instead of 500mb as part of my monthly mobile prepaid 29 dollar cap plan, it doesn't give much data as if i still had a adsl account. I'm hopeless paying bills on time so i keep extra utilities/bills as a no go thing. I'm thinking of declaring bankruptcy but even if i do, ill still have to pay all my outstanding court fines which currently must be down to no more than 4 or 5000. i started paying fortnightly court plan payment when i was about 18 years old at a rate of 60 a fortnight until about 2 years ago when i applied for a court ordered income assessment and i now pay 20 a fortnight. that adds up to approximately 16460 paid and I'm still not paid off. i don't even know how it reached that much. here's an approximate breakdown of the things I've been charged with in the past....
1x manufacturing meth- 140
19x driving unlicensed/unregistered-4 to 800 depending on judge
9x driving uninsured/unregistered add another 400 to the above
approx 5 other small charges at about 2 - 300 depending on offence i committed.
then you gotta add court fees and levy of up to 180 for each fine ever issued.
can anyone pick the obviously flawed fine i received out of the above......i only got charged 140 for manufacturing meth. up to 25 yrs in prison possibility yet i get a fine of 140 with my sentence which was suspended. hard justice hey....lol.
i gotta go watch neighbours and home and away (favourite nightly Australian soap's) so ill write more later.
xo lilly
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
tick tick tick.......the scene doesnt change.
not much to say at the moment. its weird how even pulling myself out of the meth scene hasnt stopped the bullshit from once being part of it. daily messages on my mobile from dealers wanting to sell me shit and the messages from people wanting to buy it. then theres the still constant accidental path crossings with cops who know me and those who harrass my friends. with manafacturing on your record its hard for their sudden excitement showing when they do a record check on e. gives me a laugh that i know i got nothing on me and no old utensils on me to incriminate myself anymore. but still the heart races and the palms go sweaty when meeting face to face with them. maybe its knowing how much i did get away with compared to the 2 times i got caught cooking that makes me nervous. i still know im a liar and i know they know it too.
i finally put my order into blog2print to get a printed book of my blog. im glad ill have a softcover book/like a diary in case i ever abandon blogging. not that i want to i just fear im becomming a bore to you all. lol.
but thankfully i still get new followers and comments from people loving my blog and telling me they are going to read all my old posts. its makes me wonder how do i really come accross to people?
i mean, ive always lived the life hard but i realised not long into my meth use that if i didnt eat, sleep and drink water i'd end up like a faces of meth poster kid. everyone ive used with or used to use with could be perfect candidates. chiks and blokes i grew up with are gaunt, wrinkly and way too aged for their years.
anyway its time to try to go to sleep without laying there awake too long with my mind ticking over about getting on again. its in the back of your mind all the time... and is so easy to fuck it all up so im gonna switch my brain off thoughts of meth and tell you all im doing great and hopefully will find the motivation i need to start blogging more regularly again soon.
xoxo lilly
i finally put my order into blog2print to get a printed book of my blog. im glad ill have a softcover book/like a diary in case i ever abandon blogging. not that i want to i just fear im becomming a bore to you all. lol.
but thankfully i still get new followers and comments from people loving my blog and telling me they are going to read all my old posts. its makes me wonder how do i really come accross to people?
i mean, ive always lived the life hard but i realised not long into my meth use that if i didnt eat, sleep and drink water i'd end up like a faces of meth poster kid. everyone ive used with or used to use with could be perfect candidates. chiks and blokes i grew up with are gaunt, wrinkly and way too aged for their years.
anyway its time to try to go to sleep without laying there awake too long with my mind ticking over about getting on again. its in the back of your mind all the time... and is so easy to fuck it all up so im gonna switch my brain off thoughts of meth and tell you all im doing great and hopefully will find the motivation i need to start blogging more regularly again soon.
xoxo lilly
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
'testing my weakness'
so here we go. nice little turn of events. sorry i havent been around again...had to take my kid interstate to see his dad and i been relly sick. i was throwing up everyday and was that sick i didnt even drink much. so anyways heres the bonus 'im stronger than i realised' moment of the week. my ex / kids dad is straightish. on my last night over there (last night) he ended up getting on the ice/meth/whateva they call it and i still managed to keep my shit together and not use any. funny how he has always bagged me for using then turns around and basically throws it in my face testing me. but i held out and managed to not give in. lucky i was sick and at a weaker health point where i could just sleep and not mull it over in my head too much. anyway i got blogs to catch up on. i will definately post a longer blog soon. sorry to all my loyal readers i been very slack and very boring lately. love u all, xo lilly.
Monday, June 25, 2012
new dramas and struggles
i been really sick last 4 days. nose running then blocked, sore throat and bad cough. makes my thoughts wander back to when id be sick and go get on and all the flu symptons would dissapear. i was really weakening today... and im almost thru it. its already dark outside so nighttime is upon us once again and ill have another day racked up on the clean days tally.
another good moment i had this week was when an old friend dropped by with a rage for me and i was actually able to say no for a change. but gee it was hard. im sure he just dropped by caus he knew i was trying to be clean and had to fuk me up. i guess in the daylight when u look at alot of my current friendships, they are all trying to screw me over in one way or another. i mean how do u find friends among your friends who u know are on your side when everyone i know uses or wants to use or will use feely in front of me like it doesnt matter. where is the respect to not even mention it when u know someone is trying to stop and struggling.
anyway maybe thats enough of a bitch for one day. now for some positives.... i actually had a job interview the other day. i thought it went well bt i didnt get the job but im glad i actually showed up and applied to begin with. my kids playgroup has now closed. we were given 2 weeks notice and its over. now i gotta find another one to take him to. theres not msny ioptions in my area. ive been so negnectful of my duties lately.
even reading blogs makes me want to use again. my stats are still up without posting anything new so thats good. maybe a couple moremonths and ill be able to title a new blog. maybe MY'USEDTOBE'METHDIARIES or something similar. anyway kids to sort out aand tv shows to watch and catch up on.
xo lilly
another good moment i had this week was when an old friend dropped by with a rage for me and i was actually able to say no for a change. but gee it was hard. im sure he just dropped by caus he knew i was trying to be clean and had to fuk me up. i guess in the daylight when u look at alot of my current friendships, they are all trying to screw me over in one way or another. i mean how do u find friends among your friends who u know are on your side when everyone i know uses or wants to use or will use feely in front of me like it doesnt matter. where is the respect to not even mention it when u know someone is trying to stop and struggling.
anyway maybe thats enough of a bitch for one day. now for some positives.... i actually had a job interview the other day. i thought it went well bt i didnt get the job but im glad i actually showed up and applied to begin with. my kids playgroup has now closed. we were given 2 weeks notice and its over. now i gotta find another one to take him to. theres not msny ioptions in my area. ive been so negnectful of my duties lately.
even reading blogs makes me want to use again. my stats are still up without posting anything new so thats good. maybe a couple moremonths and ill be able to title a new blog. maybe MY'USEDTOBE'METHDIARIES or something similar. anyway kids to sort out aand tv shows to watch and catch up on.
xo lilly
Monday, June 11, 2012
side effects of not using
so things are going well i guess. sorry i havent been around. just had a visit from my youngests dad so that took up a week of my time. still managing to be normal. struggling just a bit. overwhelming emotions i havent had the pleasure of feeling seem to keep happening. hate being broke. thats another downfall of being clean caus i dont move what i used to and it lessens the cash flow. its queens birthday lonng weekend here in australia. not sure why we celebrate the quenns birthday way after it actually is. thing its to spread out our public holidays. either way there will be a lot of random drug and alcohol testing stations out this weekend so lucky im drug free. one of the most worrying side effects of not using drugs is the weight gain. so ive started taking these tablets called reducta. i think they trick u into thinking u full so u eat less. not sure if they working....still feel like a fat chik. oh and sex and death guy i used to go out with has tried to make a reappearance in my life. not sure how to handle this one....xo lilly
Friday, May 25, 2012
cons of being clean
i guess leading a clean life style was always going to have its down points. i used to use and turn over enough money with what i got for others to have extra dollars for incidentals like petrol, smokes, booze, etc. now its just pay day to payday. nothing in between to get me through to the next week if i run out of money. plus i seem to be a lot more bored now and staying busy costs money. keeping my mind off using again is hard. was life always this boring. my days seemed to just pass by before but now they drag on and on. im still looking for a job but im only applying for jobs i really want not all jobs im suitable for. maybe i should widen my search.
im getting back into my volunteer work but because the group is full of fresh-out-of-jail and community service chicks, theres a bit of drug talk there as well so i keep to myself more and just put my head down and work.
im proud of the fact ive managed to move a bit of gear around and hook others up without using any of it this week. i smashed my glass pipe and did a complete cleanout of all old syringes and wash bags stashed away. its funny how there are none around when u want them but when you trying to avoid the triggers, you seem to find reminders everywhere.
im off to read a few blogs i need to catch up on. nothing on tv tonight so im going to try relax soon and maybe have an early night.
xo lilly
im getting back into my volunteer work but because the group is full of fresh-out-of-jail and community service chicks, theres a bit of drug talk there as well so i keep to myself more and just put my head down and work.
im proud of the fact ive managed to move a bit of gear around and hook others up without using any of it this week. i smashed my glass pipe and did a complete cleanout of all old syringes and wash bags stashed away. its funny how there are none around when u want them but when you trying to avoid the triggers, you seem to find reminders everywhere.
im off to read a few blogs i need to catch up on. nothing on tv tonight so im going to try relax soon and maybe have an early night.
xo lilly
Monday, May 21, 2012
motivated/straighten out/ normal
living takes on such a different meaning now. my head is still not clear and i no way feel normal. or the same normal most of the other people on earth experience. my normal since 15 years of age was 'bent'. it was the normal all the addicts felt...not the normal felt by straight people.
life always blew by in a haze and even though i was a functioning addict, my brain had to work overtime to do its normal job to the same capacity as others. more and more memories are flooding back to me now, and with a much more definite timeline so i can piece where they actually fit into my life. ivve started looking for work again to fill the boring hours of the day im experiencing. when it gets all too much im still drinking to take the edge off and im still smoking abit of green to get an interrupted sleep at night. then i dont lay there for hours, mind ticking over as i try to shut down and sleep.
'mOTIVATION' is a new word for my days, keep motivated and keep on track.
hope all are well, xo lilly
life always blew by in a haze and even though i was a functioning addict, my brain had to work overtime to do its normal job to the same capacity as others. more and more memories are flooding back to me now, and with a much more definite timeline so i can piece where they actually fit into my life. ivve started looking for work again to fill the boring hours of the day im experiencing. when it gets all too much im still drinking to take the edge off and im still smoking abit of green to get an interrupted sleep at night. then i dont lay there for hours, mind ticking over as i try to shut down and sleep.
'mOTIVATION' is a new word for my days, keep motivated and keep on track.
hope all are well, xo lilly
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
i fucked up.....20 days clean (minus 1 fuck-up)
SO ITS TUESDAY THE 15TH OF MAY. ITS SUPPOSED TO BE MY 20TH OR SO DAY CLEAN BUT I FUCKED UP. ONLY ONCE AND I DIDNT SCORE IT MYSELF, I GOT RAGED OUT. DEFINATELY REGRETTED IT STRAIGHT AWAY AND HATED MYSELF FOR BEING SO WEAK AND TAKING IT. ITS ALWAYS BEEN PART OF MY SOCIAL CIRCLE SO EVERYONE I HANG WITH OR ASSOCIATE WITH USES OR SMOKES IT AROUND YOU. ITS HARD TO KEEP FRIENDS WHO STILL USE USE DAILY IN MY SOCIAL LIFE CAUS OF THE TEMPTATION. STILL THE 2 AND A BIT WEEKS STRAIGHT I DID TO BEGIN WITH WAS THE LONGEST ID EVER NOT USED IN 15 YEARS. SO IM GONNA START MY CLEAN COUNT AGAIN AS '20 DAYS(MINUS 1 FUCKUP) CLEAN'.
IM DEFINATELY MORE MOTIVATED, DONT SLEEP SO HEAVY AND SEEM TO BE GETTING INTO A NORMAL SLEEPING ROUTINE.
MY HOUSE IS ALOT MORE ORGANISED AND I BEEN COOKING LOTS AND TRYING OUT NEW RECIPES AND PERFECTING MY SKILLS. ESPECIALLY NOW IM EATING REGULARLY AND THE FUNNY THING IS I WAS WORRIED ABOUT GETTING FAT WITHOUT THE METH, BUT IVE ACTUALLY LOST WEIGHT SINCE STOPPING. PLUS IM DRINNKING ALOT LESS AND GETTING DRUNK EASIER AND FOR LONGER.
TAKE CARE ALL, XO LILLY
Thursday, May 3, 2012
7 days into my straight life....i think
so its thursday night, bout 1023 pm and i'm 7 days clean. been quite unmotivated for past 2 days but felt better today. i got house inspection next week so i been franticallly cleaning fingerprints and marks off all walls and surfaces. i just got out of the shower. while i was in there i almost killed myself by leaning on my shower screen and nearly falling out of shower when the shower wall moved. think this place was a dodgy renovation job. i never complin to the landlord i just fix the problems which arise, examples being...dodgy doorknobs, liquid nailed shower rods and screens, liquid nailed blinds, skirting boards which are notfixed to the walls, dud downlights and more. but now the owner has transfered management to a real estate agent so im gonna get them to fix the problems.
onto another topic, being a newly straightened person is tough. im finding it hard to move on and be normal. myteeth are hurting and i keep pulling muscles when i overdo myself. maybe the meth helped me not to notice the small pains and because i was high i was invincible and persisted with things till i got em done. i coughed as i woke up this morning and think i pulled a muscle in my thigh. i been limping around all day. i know when i used to hang out for meth my teeth would hurt but id just get on again and it wouldnt hurt anymore. im booking a doctors appointment tomorrow to get a full check up done. just to see where my health is at. i feel fine really but im worried about the doctor being able to get a blood sample considering i cant even find a vein anymore.
im gonna apologise in advance for spelling and grammer in my post, im typing as it comes to mind so i gotta get it down before my mind moves onto another thought.
thankyou to everyone who has wished me well and reads my blog. you all know more about the real lilly than anyone who i know in real life or associate with in real life.
xo lilly
onto another topic, being a newly straightened person is tough. im finding it hard to move on and be normal. myteeth are hurting and i keep pulling muscles when i overdo myself. maybe the meth helped me not to notice the small pains and because i was high i was invincible and persisted with things till i got em done. i coughed as i woke up this morning and think i pulled a muscle in my thigh. i been limping around all day. i know when i used to hang out for meth my teeth would hurt but id just get on again and it wouldnt hurt anymore. im booking a doctors appointment tomorrow to get a full check up done. just to see where my health is at. i feel fine really but im worried about the doctor being able to get a blood sample considering i cant even find a vein anymore.
im gonna apologise in advance for spelling and grammer in my post, im typing as it comes to mind so i gotta get it down before my mind moves onto another thought.
thankyou to everyone who has wished me well and reads my blog. you all know more about the real lilly than anyone who i know in real life or associate with in real life.
xo lilly
Monday, April 30, 2012
yay im 30
ok so im 30 and 1 day old. ive onto day 4 clean. i started a little earlier (3days) than i aimed but all good. today is pay day so im struggling to stay clean. my supposed first day clean had to be pay day. went out for tea with the family last night and got pretty drunk. had fun though. i got one kid home sik today so im a bit busy but will write later
xo lilly
xo lilly
Monday, April 23, 2012
6 days to go and im 30 yrs old
when i started blogging there was almost a
year to go till i turned 30 and it seemed
like good age to make my 'no more meth' age.
im scared now. theres only 6 days to go and
the year flew by as it does on drugs and i
wanna be ready but am i. i need to do it for
myself and my kids, i need to strt working
again as im going nuts ssitting around home
doing nothing. ive always managed to maintain
a job and my altered state of mind, and with
my youngest now old enough for childcare i
need to get back into the real world. this
time as a straight person, thats also gonna
be weird. im never maintained a job straight.
ive always been the highly involved
perfeectionist who does real well at ny job
but unnown to my colleagues ive been a drug
addict..a daily drug addict. scary thought
but im ready to work and be straight. i
wonder how itll go. if im an excellent
employee bent i wonder what kind of employee
ill be straight....lol..xo lilly
Monday, April 16, 2012
16th april......13 days to go
sorry all ive had my little ones dad here for the last 4 days so after i drop him at the airport in about an hour ill do a new post...luv u all, miss u all....xo lilly
11th april.....18 days to go
so its now the 11th april. that means 18 days to go. i just did 3 days clean and only stuffed up about 2 hours ago. i ended up swapping some pills i had for a point of ice. today is wednesday. i last got on saturday morning. funny thing is between saturday morning and now i didnt actually crash really bad. maybe caus my usage has been lower lately so i hadnt missed so much sleep i had to catch up on. its after 2 in the morning and ill have to save this to usb then go upload it at my mums tomorrow caus my internet has gone down again. im thinking bout just getting a new provider caus this connection is a joke. i cant live without internet. its so convienient. also ive been neglecting my prison penpal. we used to communicate every day and now its down to once or twice a week and i miss our conversations. ill just explain how the prison penpal thing works. because he is in a federal facility in the US, his institution are trialing an online messaging service so instead of it being handwritten its all electronic. i guess it makes it easier for the prisons to keep tabs on what people write, etc this way plus if they dont like what you write they can block your letters.
my youngests dad is coming to visit on thursay for 5 days. i got it pretty packed out with stuff to do so hopefully we dont argue lots like usual. last time i saw him was in january. well the final 18 days of 'my life on meth' is counting down and going very fast. im gonna go but will write again soon.... xo lilly
my youngests dad is coming to visit on thursay for 5 days. i got it pretty packed out with stuff to do so hopefully we dont argue lots like usual. last time i saw him was in january. well the final 18 days of 'my life on meth' is counting down and going very fast. im gonna go but will write again soon.... xo lilly
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
25 days to go
so its april the 4th, 25 days till my birthday. im trying to slow down alittle so the 29th doesnt come as such a shock to the system. i know what to expect in the comedown. lots of sleep and ill be eating lots of food. rapid weight gain is expected. but the part i dread is the feeling of unusual happy moods as my head levels out again. i know meth depleats ceratonin in the brain and nobody knows how long itll be till it starts creating itself again. not enough study has been done on meth abuse as i dont think people realised how widespread it is. since people started smoking when all meth went from street (cut min 9 part cutter to 1 part pure) gear which was 50 dollars a gram which was injected and sniffed to neat/pure meth which is 50 dollars a point (1/10th of a gram) and is smoked/injected alot has changed in the after effects of users. more psycotic behaviour, more rapidly changing physical changes and more meth used by each user each week. ill be back soon...gonna internet research a bit more about the side effects when you stop long term use like mine. i mean i've spent 15 years of the last 30 years on meth. thats half my life, half my existence lived so far.......xo lilly
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
1 month and 1 day to my 30th bday
1 month and 1 day till i turn 30. still hoping to be able to stick to my 'clean date'. ive had a few really stressful weeks with my over-pregnant friend and trying to be as supportive as i can but still taking care of my own family first. its really hard with 2 kids to find time to do everything i need to do. especially since my youngest is just over 2 and a a half and is going thru the terrible twos stage. my girl who is older definately didnt have the same temper tantrums my boy is capable of. maybe having a dad there to share the tantrums with helped back then. because i live in a block of flats i worry about the noise he is capable of tantruming at. lucky its usually in the day when everyone is usuallly out i guess. and at least hes a good sleeper and not a grumping morning kid.
im lagging so behind on my blog reading and general email attendance. except i have to clear my inbox of at least 100 messages and 50 junk emails every 3 days when i get online. goodthing about the lack of internet connection is im not wasting money gambling on slot and bingo sites each week at the moment.
that guy i was seeing messaged me two nights ago. first sms in 2 weeks to my suprise. same bullshit excuses about getting clean but i know its the opposite caus he forgets i know friends of his with big mouths and meth/opiate addictions at the same time. i dont get the up/down up/down drug user. guess its why i only smoke dope to come down and fall asleep caus i cant handle the downer stoned feeling when im awake. its better to be stoned and asleep then as soon as the stoned wears off a few hours later im wide awake and well slept. he drifted away as soon as the oxy tablets ran out from my mate which made it easier on me caus i didnt have to fuk him off like i usually do when i get bored or over being told what to do. its my life and ill do what i want....not be dictated to. ok im typing now and will post this as soon as my internet connection is available so i better go. miss you all, xo lilly
im lagging so behind on my blog reading and general email attendance. except i have to clear my inbox of at least 100 messages and 50 junk emails every 3 days when i get online. goodthing about the lack of internet connection is im not wasting money gambling on slot and bingo sites each week at the moment.
that guy i was seeing messaged me two nights ago. first sms in 2 weeks to my suprise. same bullshit excuses about getting clean but i know its the opposite caus he forgets i know friends of his with big mouths and meth/opiate addictions at the same time. i dont get the up/down up/down drug user. guess its why i only smoke dope to come down and fall asleep caus i cant handle the downer stoned feeling when im awake. its better to be stoned and asleep then as soon as the stoned wears off a few hours later im wide awake and well slept. he drifted away as soon as the oxy tablets ran out from my mate which made it easier on me caus i didnt have to fuk him off like i usually do when i get bored or over being told what to do. its my life and ill do what i want....not be dictated to. ok im typing now and will post this as soon as my internet connection is available so i better go. miss you all, xo lilly
Friday, March 23, 2012
updated adventures
kind of have forgotten a few days of usage tally but ill add what i can remember.
monday 19 march $100 2 points
tuesday 20th got raged for free
wednesday 21st got raged for free
thursday 22nd $100 1.5 points
and
today...friday 22nd got raged for free.
now you all must be asking why i got raged for free most of the week... well my best friend who is very much about to give birth to her first child anytime now, got 2nd degree burns from hitting a saucepan full of bacon fat off the stove while on the phone. she had to be hospitalised for the last week and a half but had ro keep her business going so i had to do her runnning around and picking up etc. and no!!!, she is not using while pregnant just keeping her customers happy so she still makes the dolllar we all need on the side to survive in life.
today my friend got discharged from hospital and about from a bit of drama when she decided to have a quik smoke in the hospitaal room without the fan on, setting off the silent smoke alarm and 2 fire engines rocking up for the no-emergency and having a whinge at us. that caused many dirty looks from hospital staff and the fact it was only the smoke alarm in our room with the red light flashing linking it solely to us. funny in a way but easily talked my way out of it by saying i was stupidly burning a thread off my jumper which must be why it went off. quik thinking and on the ball kind of excuse.
got more to say but im a bit drunk, abit too tweaked and should probaby use my short time in front of a computer to read a few blogs i follow that ive been unable to read religously with no internet connection at home right now.
love you all, miss reading all your blogs, xo lilly
monday 19 march $100 2 points
tuesday 20th got raged for free
wednesday 21st got raged for free
thursday 22nd $100 1.5 points
and
today...friday 22nd got raged for free.
now you all must be asking why i got raged for free most of the week... well my best friend who is very much about to give birth to her first child anytime now, got 2nd degree burns from hitting a saucepan full of bacon fat off the stove while on the phone. she had to be hospitalised for the last week and a half but had ro keep her business going so i had to do her runnning around and picking up etc. and no!!!, she is not using while pregnant just keeping her customers happy so she still makes the dolllar we all need on the side to survive in life.
today my friend got discharged from hospital and about from a bit of drama when she decided to have a quik smoke in the hospitaal room without the fan on, setting off the silent smoke alarm and 2 fire engines rocking up for the no-emergency and having a whinge at us. that caused many dirty looks from hospital staff and the fact it was only the smoke alarm in our room with the red light flashing linking it solely to us. funny in a way but easily talked my way out of it by saying i was stupidly burning a thread off my jumper which must be why it went off. quik thinking and on the ball kind of excuse.
got more to say but im a bit drunk, abit too tweaked and should probaby use my short time in front of a computer to read a few blogs i follow that ive been unable to read religously with no internet connection at home right now.
love you all, miss reading all your blogs, xo lilly
Sunday, March 11, 2012
currently incognito (or so it seems)
hello everyone. im just leaving a quik post to let u all know im ok, im still breathing, ive just had big computer and internet glitching issues but im gonna get it sorted and ill be back posting in a few day. also bugerlugs....next post for u. i went and talked to a different lady at cemetery office and she narrowed down the grave plot search area to an area of about 4 plots or roughly 4 x 3 metres. im uploading pics of the new exact location photos and the new map she gave me to send to you.
ill be back asap. hope u are all well. im actually currently withdrawing from the internet or so it seems which has been a really bad comedown of no technology and no blog following etc.
xo lilly
if im rambling im a bit drunk. adelaide cup day (horse races) is tomorrow and im using the public holiday excuse as my current one for being a loud drunk.... lol.
ill be back asap. hope u are all well. im actually currently withdrawing from the internet or so it seems which has been a really bad comedown of no technology and no blog following etc.
xo lilly
Saturday, March 3, 2012
VENTING SESSION (and updated usage tally)
this post is another 'venting session'. so all my followers and other readers will maybe remember when i met that guy on the dating site. re. sex and death posts. so that was back in august which is approx 6 and a bit months ago and i gues you can say its going strong still but i need to add my 'erks' that make the relationship an irritable one. when i met him he was on home detention and could only sneak out once or twice a week so it was one of
un-overbearing not constant flings. he had been locked up a couple years ago and had now been released to finish his sentence on home d...no electronic monitoring device till his parole started. he assured me he had learnt his lesson and was heroin/oxy/methadone free and didnt want to start it again. ut the oxy habit started in late november last year and has continued up until about a week or so ago when the dealers dad, ho had cancer, died and the oxy ran out.now as u all know im a meth adict going on 15 years now, ive never been interested in downers and for good reason. at least when the meth runs out its psycological and i can just sleep off the comedown, with
such an addictive personality i knew opiates were not for me. i didnt need a physical/mental/full body ache addiction to add to my life. the guys mum kicked him out about 4 weeks ago and on the day being stupidly offtap on the meth and in a good mood i said just stay here. afterall he works most days so i still get my solo time which i cant live without. ive always hated being trapped and at least this way i have either days or night, whichever hedoes that week, to myself. but guess what???? im trapped once again!!!!i have learnt from all my previous relationships that guys always expect to be in control not an equal and i was adament from day dot when we met i wasnt a pushover and if i ended it, it was done. i told him to never talk down to me, never lie to me and if he couldnt cope with my addiction then fuck off now. i dont need any extra hassle in life. i ave my kids, my family and my shit which will always come first. i would never be under the thumb of any abusive guy ever again.the relationship is a good one, in 6 months ive only raised my voice to him twice now. two arguements in 6 months is a pretty good statistic. considering every other relationship has been a daily battle to not fight. and this is the first none-abusive commited relationship ive ever had.
so you want to know why we did hight on tose two occasions. well lets see..... i put one occasion down to oxy withdrawel and the other down to him getting tick of a mate of mine then getting a shit pay when i said to him it had to be paid straight away caus i dont fuck people over with money when i say itll be paid its paid. does it look like this is a familiar pattern for me, can anyone help me decide how i handle these issues....maybe im just a cunt and im being selfish....maybe im just better off single with kids than de-facto with two kids from previous relationships. either way im stuck.....again. maybe.
xo lilly
ps. usage tally updated as follows.
thursday 1st march - 50 deal/1point plus 1 point for lending car out for 1 hour to a dealer of mine.
friday 2nd march - 50 deal/1point plus about a half point pipe for free.
saturday 3rd march(today) - no $$$ cost so far but ive still manged about a pipe for nothing and a point wack for free. (value approx $125.00)
take care all xo lilly
Thursday, March 1, 2012
2 months and counting......counting down i mean!!
i'm actually writing this blog post on the 29th february. having issues with my internet and computer lately so ill upload it once i connect to the net. also im using notepad to write it so please ignore any of my usual spelling and grammar mistakes, also capital letters caus unfortunately i dont have a spell checker on here. actually scrap that last apology caus honestly i dont give a fuk who is or isnt happy with my spelling and grammer. if you dont want to read it as it pops into my scrambled brain then dont read it at all.
as today is a leap year im writing this on the date which is a 1 in 4 year occasion and lucky it exists this year especially caus in exactly 2 months to the day i turn 30 years old. dirty thirties is the usual for this decade of life but for me it is my goal (still) to be my clean thirties. i didnt actually even realise when starting my blog which those of you know i started counting down to my clean date, that i would have to alter the dirty to clean.
2 months to go... i try not to think about the clock ticking away. i have definitely cut down my gear usage of late but am still tweaked on average 4 or 5 days out of 7. usually if im not 'ON' ill be asleep or keeping a straight frame of mind to get the overly important things in life completed. not my usual approach to projects which start, stop, start, stop, maybe cease to exist and maybe get completed. the latter is obviously the most uncommon or bullshit scattered ideas becomming reality.
so from monday just passed im going to record and post my daily use and cost and give the quality a rating to help me when the 2 months runs out and i need a little hard evidence of wat im wasting and for what kind of high. so here we go......
monday 27th february - $100 approx 1.5 points - decent smoke but not decent enough to try hitting a wack.
tuesday 28th february - $50 over a point - killer smoke at mates rates so did the job.
wednesday 29th february - $300 for 4 points - shared between 3 people but killer smoke anyway.
ill continue to update the tally as the week passes by and ends, or blurs into the next.... both are possible. take care all
xo lilly
as today is a leap year im writing this on the date which is a 1 in 4 year occasion and lucky it exists this year especially caus in exactly 2 months to the day i turn 30 years old. dirty thirties is the usual for this decade of life but for me it is my goal (still) to be my clean thirties. i didnt actually even realise when starting my blog which those of you know i started counting down to my clean date, that i would have to alter the dirty to clean.
2 months to go... i try not to think about the clock ticking away. i have definitely cut down my gear usage of late but am still tweaked on average 4 or 5 days out of 7. usually if im not 'ON' ill be asleep or keeping a straight frame of mind to get the overly important things in life completed. not my usual approach to projects which start, stop, start, stop, maybe cease to exist and maybe get completed. the latter is obviously the most uncommon or bullshit scattered ideas becomming reality.
so from monday just passed im going to record and post my daily use and cost and give the quality a rating to help me when the 2 months runs out and i need a little hard evidence of wat im wasting and for what kind of high. so here we go......
monday 27th february - $100 approx 1.5 points - decent smoke but not decent enough to try hitting a wack.
tuesday 28th february - $50 over a point - killer smoke at mates rates so did the job.
wednesday 29th february - $300 for 4 points - shared between 3 people but killer smoke anyway.
ill continue to update the tally as the week passes by and ends, or blurs into the next.... both are possible. take care all
xo lilly
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
rip sarah
so i met my friend sarah in yr 9. she was 1 month older than me. we ran a muk from the day we met. drinking, smoking green and talking about sex. even though at the time i was a virgin but she wasnt. to me she was cool. she had bleech blonde hair and was from the bad suburbs. then arriving at my catholic girls school under order from her father who was trying to straighten her out. anyway i remember the first time we got in trouble togethher, she convinced me to do the round trip on the bus home with her. then id walk up the hill once the bus came back around to the stop near my house. it should of been a 30 minute round trip. instead it took about an hour and a hhalf and my parents were freaking out i wasnt home from school on time. no explanation was good enough and i got grounded. this was pre mobile phone days so that was out of the question. when iran away from home at 15 and moved out of home, she soon followed sync. we spent the next 10 years or so moving in and out of each others places and sleeping on the couch and even moving in together for short periods.she had her first kid about 9 months before mine. we actually hadnt spoken for about a year at the time so it was a shock to meet her littleone and being hheavily pregnant at the time myself. when we were younger we took drugs together, trips were my favourite, this graduated to a bit of speed together later on.
the last time we spoke was about 2 and a half years ago until i got notice from her family the other day that she had an overdose in january. even with the power of facebook it took 2 weeks for the news to get to me. thats why i havent been posting in the past 2 weeks. its really thrown me. being over two years since we last spoke it was about time for us to get in contact again. it was the way it always went....not anymore. ill never see her again. the stability to all my childhood issues is now gone, leaving behind the first child she had whom is good friends with my daughhter and the new 15month old baby im yet to meet. she died of a heroin overdose. HEROIN. this is the girl who two years ago was so paranoid of needles and even smoking dope would never have stuck a needle in her arm. she was there my when i was young and i always injected but she didnt. she didnt approve of me doing it and told me so. then a few years pass and she dies of an overdose from injecting heroin. how is it possible?
xo lilly
the last time we spoke was about 2 and a half years ago until i got notice from her family the other day that she had an overdose in january. even with the power of facebook it took 2 weeks for the news to get to me. thats why i havent been posting in the past 2 weeks. its really thrown me. being over two years since we last spoke it was about time for us to get in contact again. it was the way it always went....not anymore. ill never see her again. the stability to all my childhood issues is now gone, leaving behind the first child she had whom is good friends with my daughhter and the new 15month old baby im yet to meet. she died of a heroin overdose. HEROIN. this is the girl who two years ago was so paranoid of needles and even smoking dope would never have stuck a needle in her arm. she was there my when i was young and i always injected but she didnt. she didnt approve of me doing it and told me so. then a few years pass and she dies of an overdose from injecting heroin. how is it possible?
xo lilly
Thursday, February 9, 2012
too many drama's
sometimes its hard to keep everything going on around you in perfect sync. theres family, close friends, straight friends, associates, online friends, and anyone else who just pops into or out of your life. i need to find more direction, something to spend a bit on time on that isnt so close to my home truth's. i've been reading a lot of blog posts... missing alot of the people i started off following on here and now i just dont see any new posts from them. i realise we get desperate, pawn our computers, dont have access to an internet connection, and generally have really bad, down depressing days where we just dont bother.... but its hard not to worry about the people who's blogs you read, especially wondering if they have over dosed or worse.
anyway, bit of a whinge and a whine from me.... xo lilly
Monday, February 6, 2012
In my life, Out my life
Its funny how many weeks or months can pass without anyone old flames or friends popping into your life again. Then all of a sudden you get a heap of text messages from numbers not in your mobile phone book and the repeated reply sent 'who is this'.
Then once you get the reply of who it is, you decide whether to reply or just pretend the message never came.
The first of these messages i got this week was from someone asking if i still lived at gilles plains.(my old suburb) It was the house i got done for manufacturing in. The number looked familiar so i replied only to find out it was one of my mates from almost 15 years ago when i started my junkie journey with meth. i had seen him once in the last 13 yrs but we had been in contact on msn where we used to webcam with each other. i think it was all the sexual frustration back then and the fact i hadnt been with this particular friend back then. But all he wanted 3 yrs old from the webcam days was to tell me he was back in town and he missed seeing me on the cam.... conversation over. lol.
The second was a guy id started talking to on the internet dating site ive previously mentioned. that was a quik sms exchange. i ignored them after he said who he was.
The third is a guy i know, who has always cracked onto me but never got anywhere. He sent me a message saying he caught up with another mate of mine who wants to see me......still havent replied to this one. im a bit cautious as he's such a pervert but i also know he knows alot of people ive been really good mates with.
ill ponder this one for a bit. ill let you know the outcome..... xo lilly
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
staying anonymous
i've found alot of new friends on here and i started to think about how we all blog...obviously wanting to be anonymous but then situations arise where u can help someone out and you consider losing your private self to it. i seem to have all the time in the world to read blogs but i been forgetting to blog myself. i been a bit better with the meth lately, only using probably 3 or 4 days out of 7. seem to spend a lot of time sleeping inbetween. i only got 3 months till i turn 30. im starting to question my cut off date. dont know if ill be able to stick to it. hopefully i can.............xo lilly
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Australia Day Antics
Its AUSTRALIA DAY!!!!
And how has mine gone....well lets see!
too much beer and wine, way too many pipes of meth and a wack i actually hit easily for a change. funny how the little one's you mix up are the easiest to hit and the one'syou know will blow your head off, u miss. No veins left....or huge amounts of bruising if i hit one of the new ones i can see.
Its 8.14pm and no matter how much gear, the beer still drags me down to a level where i could easily pass out.
Today i also saw my ex who wanted me to get hold of my other ex for unknown reasons. Funny how when one was my current, they hated eachother but now they choose to get along when they need eachother for drug related reasons. But still i have the knowledge over both sides of the conversation and only one of the two knows i know everything. afterall my loyalties are still hanging towards the one who does the most for me at present.....although it could change in a second.
At least this time i'm the one in charge of when they do and don't deal with eachother caus i'm the one who each knows can play the other side of the fence.
I'm off to drink another West End draught beer and hopefully slip into a nice state of drunkness and get a good sleep without having to down any bongs of dope tonight.
XO Lilly
Friday, January 20, 2012
Clan Labs Cranking
It seems almost every second day in my home city, the newspaper's report on another meth lab being raided. Hardly ever are they actually operating at the time caus as i know all too well its a race against the clock to be done and packed away in minimal time. theres always that lurking stench which continues to permeate everything. when my house got condemned by the council i had already moved out and it had to be tested and if toxic levels were present it was gonna cost almost 45000 to have it professionally cleaned (by a glorified carpet cleaning company i found out once i researched the company i was referred to) no doubt in cahoots with the chemical testing company the council reccommended.
A few months after i moved i got to read the full chemical report about exactly what residue was still there, even after a heavy paint out, new carpet and lino throughout and they still got positive results in every room. In the end the council erected a nice poster threatening a 4000 dollar fine if anyone was found in the house and the only thing to do was to demolish the house. luckily the house was on stilts and no chemicals had been found in the earth otherwise they would have wanted to scrape 30cm of topsoil off the whole block.
i went past my old place the other day and finally they have built 2 new courtyard homes on the block once they subdivided it.
this is the photo used by the real estate to sell it back then, a quik lawn mow wouldnt have hurt hey.
back later
XO Lilly
A few months after i moved i got to read the full chemical report about exactly what residue was still there, even after a heavy paint out, new carpet and lino throughout and they still got positive results in every room. In the end the council erected a nice poster threatening a 4000 dollar fine if anyone was found in the house and the only thing to do was to demolish the house. luckily the house was on stilts and no chemicals had been found in the earth otherwise they would have wanted to scrape 30cm of topsoil off the whole block.
i went past my old place the other day and finally they have built 2 new courtyard homes on the block once they subdivided it.
this is the photo used by the real estate to sell it back then, a quik lawn mow wouldnt have hurt hey.
back later
XO Lilly
Monday, January 16, 2012
Prison Penpals
A while back, i googled prison pen pals on one of those sleepless nights just to maybe kill the boredom and maybe start a friendship with someone like myself. It was a website which you started first contact by looking at different profiles and choosing who u wanted to make contact with. i didnt know prisoners had access to an internet based messaging service, rather expected it would be a postal thing. either way about a week ago i got a reply by email. i replied as soon as i recieved it and the next morning he had replied again. he is currently sentenced to 2016 for the same charges as i received a suspended sentence of 2 yrs. he has already been in for 7 years. im shocked the same charges in two different countries have such a different sentencing amount. its kind of scary to think if id been arrested in america i could of been sentenced and not released untill the year 2020. my new friend is just another of the many people i now know thru blogging and chatting who i find so similar and like minded as myself. XO Lilly
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Im back
Just a quick post to explain my absence. I had to go to Melbourne to take my kid to see his dad for a week but I'm finally back and impatient to catch up on all the blog's i follow. What a week completely straight. 8 days with nothing but a bit of beer to take the edge off.I need to get some sleep for now but Ive missed you all.
XO Lilly
XO Lilly
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Heatwave on its way.....yay!
The year before last we had a straight 16 day over 40 degrees heatwave. in the news today......
ADELAIDE'S first official heatwave of summer is forecast to start this weekend, with two days of 39C to start the new year.
Late yesterday the Bureau of Meteorology released its seven-day forecast, with a sweltering maximum of 37C expected on New Year's Eve. It forecast 39C for Sunday and Monday, 36C for Tuesday and 35C for Wednesday.
The bureau defines a heatwave as five consecutive days of 35C temperatures or above or three consecutive days of 40C or above.
Northern areas of the state can expect the mercury to soar to 44C on New Year's Day.
ADELAIDE'S first official heatwave of summer is forecast to start this weekend, with two days of 39C to start the new year.
Late yesterday the Bureau of Meteorology released its seven-day forecast, with a sweltering maximum of 37C expected on New Year's Eve. It forecast 39C for Sunday and Monday, 36C for Tuesday and 35C for Wednesday.
The bureau defines a heatwave as five consecutive days of 35C temperatures or above or three consecutive days of 40C or above.
Northern areas of the state can expect the mercury to soar to 44C on New Year's Day.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Same shit, Different day.
So the daily routine continues. Except it changes slightly in school holidays.
Wake up (if i've slept), kids stuff and kids tv shows, score (easily if my mates are awake), then the day continues with the deals to cover the next day of entertainment for my kids and to cover my habit. Its a fairly easy routine at the moment, till it stops or the guy runs out or sleeps in.
Ive downloaded plenty of movies and tv to get through the boring days on our local tv stations. The digital era of television which has been over-hyped consists of re-runs of macgyver, knight rider, seventh heaven, touched by an angel and the love boat. i swear when we only had 6 tv channels there was more to watch than the now 16 plus channels we have. maybe its time to pay for pay-tv or satellite tv. I've pretty much downloaded all the tv shows i watch to the currently aired american episode so if anyone can tell me any good tv shows to start watching it would be much appreciated. I'm off now to wheel and deal myself into another day.
xo Lilly.
Wake up (if i've slept), kids stuff and kids tv shows, score (easily if my mates are awake), then the day continues with the deals to cover the next day of entertainment for my kids and to cover my habit. Its a fairly easy routine at the moment, till it stops or the guy runs out or sleeps in.
Ive downloaded plenty of movies and tv to get through the boring days on our local tv stations. The digital era of television which has been over-hyped consists of re-runs of macgyver, knight rider, seventh heaven, touched by an angel and the love boat. i swear when we only had 6 tv channels there was more to watch than the now 16 plus channels we have. maybe its time to pay for pay-tv or satellite tv. I've pretty much downloaded all the tv shows i watch to the currently aired american episode so if anyone can tell me any good tv shows to start watching it would be much appreciated. I'm off now to wheel and deal myself into another day.
xo Lilly.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
What is Love?
Ok so this is my last post before Christmas which is only 3 hours away here in Australia, and i have a question for everyone.
HOW FAR INTO A NEW RELATIONSHIP IS IT NORMAL TO SAY THE LOVE WORD?
I look forward to hearing back from you all.
Merry Christmas everyone.
XO Lilly.
And a few quotes to leave you all with.
"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." Dr. Seuss
"The one who loves least controls the relationship." Author Unknown
"Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?" Author Unknown
Thursday, December 22, 2011
spring cleaning in 35 degree summer heat.....wtf was i thinking.
I guess you can put it down to the killer stuff floating around at the moment which results in extra motivation, but i finally got all those extra chores done today. The pool i bought for the kids last summer is finally inflated and set up in the back yard, the weeds are gone, the washing is finally folded and sorted and the "unique" kind of artwork my son covers my clean white walls with is photographed and removed, with the aid of magic eraser sponge and alot of elbow grease.
Sorry got abit sidetracked from writing my post. Couple hours have passed since i started but i think im back on track now. I currently have a house full of people... my bloke, my best mate, my bro and his best mate and there is alot of noise so its hard to concentrate. ok 1 guest down...3 to go, hopefully.
i think i'm gonna have to sign off for a bit. it is way too hectic here.
xo lilly
Sunday, December 18, 2011
life continued.....
I'm pretty sure I mentioned in one of my last entries that my boyfriend was going away for a week and did it turn out to be an eventful one. three of my friends have been released from jail lately and when they all surface at once, it gets a bit chaotic. Plus there's really good meth around at the moment so I been a bit busy rattling and scattering and getting the things done which usually takes a good dosing to have the motivation for. i.e.. sorting the mountains of clothes and toys, gardening, etc.
I don’t have many friends I’d class as trustworthy. I don’t tell my secrets to anyone and I don’t get burnt like I used to, or I tell outrageous stories just to see how long it takes to get told back to me. I find it amusing, at least I know who to not trust ever again.
Its weird getting used to sleeping in the same bed as someone else and not having as much “thought processing alone time”. On the up side I been going to sleep earlier and for longer and I'm getting plenty of sexercise so I feel more sane.
I've got about 4 months to go till I hit my 30th birthday. My tweaked existence will hopefully transition into a straight everyday member of the community one. lol.
It still makes me smile thinking about being one of them people who I avoid with a passion.
wish me luck.
xo Lilly
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Sam's Return - Attempt no.1
When i woke up today i had a text on my phone from Sam saying he was sorry bout the past and was it ok if he called me. As usual it was just caus he needed my help finding something and selling something. Its really hard to say no and stay away from him but i stuck to my self promise and didnt help him out. also he said he had to ask me something... was i dating a guy called b who was a friend of his caus thats what he had been told. but he couldnt remember if he had actually been told by a person or if he had a dream about it. weird shit in my book, i mean im not but why would it be any of his business anymore.
Just had to vent on this.
So that was attempt number 1 at getting back into my life, i think.
I'll add to this if another attempt is made wich i think is highly likely.
xo Lilly
Just had to vent on this.
So that was attempt number 1 at getting back into my life, i think.
I'll add to this if another attempt is made wich i think is highly likely.
xo Lilly
update
sorry bout big gap between posts. been sick and had kids also sick and the normal end of year school stuff to deal with.
the guy I been seeing has gone away for a week so I'm kind of having some ME time. hotter weather is starting so I seem to drink more beer and other mixed drinks but I think I better slow down on them. cant wait till Christmas is over and done with and the next year rolls around. its 1.14am and I'm spending another boring night with the TV channels rotating between crap and more crap. ill be back to normal (if you can call it normal) very soon.
xo Lilly
the guy I been seeing has gone away for a week so I'm kind of having some ME time. hotter weather is starting so I seem to drink more beer and other mixed drinks but I think I better slow down on them. cant wait till Christmas is over and done with and the next year rolls around. its 1.14am and I'm spending another boring night with the TV channels rotating between crap and more crap. ill be back to normal (if you can call it normal) very soon.
xo Lilly
Monday, November 21, 2011
No More Home Detention
So the guy i been seeing has just been granted parole and is no longer on home detention. I think he's spent the last 6 nights here except 1 night when he went home. when we were seeing each other and he could only come over once or twice a week at least i didn't feel restricted or trapped and i always knew when he was gonna show up. i guess i shouldn't worry too much about it and just enjoy being able to spend more quality time with him with no stress about him being busted out.
i guess it just makes me uncomfortable when i got him here and one of my old fucks shows up at the door unannounced and i have to explain who they are or why they are knocking on my door at 2 in the morning. i don't have much more to say today but ill be back soon.
xo Lilly
i guess it just makes me uncomfortable when i got him here and one of my old fucks shows up at the door unannounced and i have to explain who they are or why they are knocking on my door at 2 in the morning. i don't have much more to say today but ill be back soon.
xo Lilly
Sunday, November 13, 2011
When Fucking Becomes Dating
When Fucking Becomes Dating
Sunday morning, just woke up and decided to get a quick post in before the guy i been seeing wakes up. I've posted before about my feelings on sex and dating. things have ben going so well with my internet hookup but being one who really questions relationships its hard to just let go when it usually becomes painful and messy when its over.
since we started fucking we usually been catching up once a week. maybe an extra night if possible. so far this week its been 3 times. cant complain about any of the sex or time we've spent together. he doesn't take meth but also doesn't have a problem with who i am as i was honest from the first conversation we had.
last night he suggested we should go out for tea again so i guess that means its heading towards being more than a sex based relationship. I'm happy about it. i don't seem to be getting my usual trapped feeling which often shows up at this point. wish me luck.
on another topic, the other night on a usual bender i heard lots of really loud banging noises outside my house and went to investigate. stupidly, because as i stepped out my front door i saw a large group of young guys walking down my street causing trouble. one was in the process of running and jumping onto the bonnet of my car, then onto the roof crushing it. in my usual style i yelled out "GET THE FUCK OFF MY CAR!"
3 of the group of 7 men looked at me and it looked like they were about to run off when suddenly they rushed at me and i ran to my front door and with my brother and his mate's help i was about 2 cms from being got. they then fly kicked my screen door smashing it in and ran off.
i wont say what country these men were from as I'm not a racist person and i 100% believe in immigration and giving asylum to anyone who needs it without locking them in detention for being here illegally, but this particular group are one of many recently accepted in mass amounts to escape unimaginable horrors in their own country. they need to understand that most of my country support refugees and the small amount who are racist doesn't make it right for them to cause trouble because it reflects badly on the refugees who genuinely want to be here and are doing the right thing to fit in with aussies. in the worst of similar incidents with these people since they came here. it has resulted in the victims being raped and shanked just for protecting what is theirs. they knew ii was a young female and i was just telling them to not jump on my car and vandalise my property but were still prepared to assault me. all up about 10 cars on two streets had crushed roofs and dents the next morning, made in a couple minutes by drunk idiots.
its almost lunchtime and i need to get on so I'm going to end now.
xo Lilly
Sunday morning, just woke up and decided to get a quick post in before the guy i been seeing wakes up. I've posted before about my feelings on sex and dating. things have ben going so well with my internet hookup but being one who really questions relationships its hard to just let go when it usually becomes painful and messy when its over.
since we started fucking we usually been catching up once a week. maybe an extra night if possible. so far this week its been 3 times. cant complain about any of the sex or time we've spent together. he doesn't take meth but also doesn't have a problem with who i am as i was honest from the first conversation we had.
last night he suggested we should go out for tea again so i guess that means its heading towards being more than a sex based relationship. I'm happy about it. i don't seem to be getting my usual trapped feeling which often shows up at this point. wish me luck.
on another topic, the other night on a usual bender i heard lots of really loud banging noises outside my house and went to investigate. stupidly, because as i stepped out my front door i saw a large group of young guys walking down my street causing trouble. one was in the process of running and jumping onto the bonnet of my car, then onto the roof crushing it. in my usual style i yelled out "GET THE FUCK OFF MY CAR!"
3 of the group of 7 men looked at me and it looked like they were about to run off when suddenly they rushed at me and i ran to my front door and with my brother and his mate's help i was about 2 cms from being got. they then fly kicked my screen door smashing it in and ran off.
i wont say what country these men were from as I'm not a racist person and i 100% believe in immigration and giving asylum to anyone who needs it without locking them in detention for being here illegally, but this particular group are one of many recently accepted in mass amounts to escape unimaginable horrors in their own country. they need to understand that most of my country support refugees and the small amount who are racist doesn't make it right for them to cause trouble because it reflects badly on the refugees who genuinely want to be here and are doing the right thing to fit in with aussies. in the worst of similar incidents with these people since they came here. it has resulted in the victims being raped and shanked just for protecting what is theirs. they knew ii was a young female and i was just telling them to not jump on my car and vandalise my property but were still prepared to assault me. all up about 10 cars on two streets had crushed roofs and dents the next morning, made in a couple minutes by drunk idiots.
its almost lunchtime and i need to get on so I'm going to end now.
xo Lilly
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