CHAMPIX

sorry i been absent for awhile. busy, busy on my end.
big, BIG news for you all..... Ive quit smoking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and its going very easily thanks to meds i got prescribed.
CHAMPIX works but they say to smoke longer into starting the course of meds but i couldnt do it. by the 7th day i was down from a pack a day to a pack in no less than 3 days and most of them were bummed off me anyway.
knowing i had a smoke stashed in my bag kept the anxiety away but i dont need to smoke it....
hopefully i can quit for good this time. its such a filthy habit.
thats all for now. im out....xo xo lilly

6 days to go and im 30 yrs old

when i started blogging there was almost a
year to go till i turned 30 and it seemed
like  good age to make my 'no more meth' age.
 im scared now. theres only 6 days to go and
the year flew by as it does on drugs and i
wanna be ready but am i. i need to do it for
myself and my kids, i need to strt working
again as im going nuts ssitting around home
doing nothing. ive always managed to maintain
a job and my altered state of mind, and with
my youngest now old enough for childcare i
need to get back into the real world. this
time as a straight person, thats also gonna
be weird. im never maintained a job straight.
ive always been the highly involved
perfeectionist who does real well at ny job
but unnown to my colleagues ive been a drug
addict..a daily drug addict. scary thought
but im ready to work and be straight. i
wonder how itll go. if im an excellent
employee bent i wonder what kind of employee
ill be straight....lol..xo lilly

25 days to go

so its april the 4th, 25 days till my birthday. im trying to slow down alittle so the 29th doesnt come as such a shock to the system. i know what to expect in the comedown. lots of sleep and ill be eating lots of food. rapid weight gain is expected. but the part i dread is the feeling of unusual happy moods as my head levels out again. i know meth depleats ceratonin in the brain and nobody knows how long itll be till it starts creating itself again. not enough study has been done on meth abuse as i dont think people realised how widespread it is. since people started smoking when all meth went from street (cut min 9 part cutter to 1 part pure) gear which was 50 dollars a gram which was injected and sniffed to neat/pure meth which is 50 dollars a point (1/10th of a gram) and is smoked/injected alot has changed in the after effects of users. more psycotic behaviour, more rapidly changing physical changes and more meth used by each user each week. ill be back soon...gonna internet research a bit more about the side effects when you stop long term use like mine. i mean i've spent 15 years of the last 30 years on meth. thats half my life, half my existence lived so far.......xo lilly

In my life, Out my life

Its funny how many weeks or months can pass without anyone old flames or friends popping into your life again. Then all of a sudden you get a heap of text messages from numbers not in your mobile phone book and the repeated reply sent 'who is this'. Then once you get the reply of who it is, you decide whether to reply or just pretend the message never came. The first of these messages i got this week was from someone asking if i still lived at gilles plains.(my old suburb) It was the house i got done for manufacturing in. The number looked familiar so i replied only to find out it was one of my mates from almost 15 years ago when i started my junkie journey with meth. i had seen him once in the last 13 yrs but we had been in contact on msn where we used to webcam with each other. i think it was all the sexual frustration back then and the fact i hadnt been with this particular friend back then. But all he wanted 3 yrs old from the webcam days was to tell me he was back in town and he missed seeing me on the cam.... conversation over. lol. The second was a guy id started talking to on the internet dating site ive previously mentioned. that was a quik sms exchange. i ignored them after he said who he was. The third is a guy i know, who has always cracked onto me but never got anywhere. He sent me a message saying he caught up with another mate of mine who wants to see me......still havent replied to this one. im a bit cautious as he's such a pervert but i also know he knows alot of people ive been really good mates with. ill ponder this one for a bit. ill let you know the outcome..... xo lilly

TWEAKED AND LOVING IT

Its 5.50am on Wednesday morning. I'm on a bit of a bender so I'm on night 2 awake with approx. an hour of stoned sleep on Monday night and none last night. Its finally started raining decent meth again which makes life easier and very busy. i think I've already put about 950 into my dealers pocket since lunchtime Monday. pretty good effort for 36 hour timeframe. not for myself only but decent stuff means a lot more deals done which makes my usage almost free. so yay while it lasts. summer is approaching and with the weather already hitting over 30 degrees Celsius, i feel great. by the way i took the photo above about 20 minutes ago. this is the me at 29 and a half yrs. old. bit rattled/tweaked looking right now but that comes with the addict title. i have to leave in bout 15 minutes to go pick up more stuff so i might try to finish this post after i medicate. xoxo Lilly PS the infamous SAM is once again trying to worm back into my thoughts but the strength i never had before is now stronger than ever and i havent let myself down and spent anytime even contemplating it. bbs.

another night becomes morning

so its 7.40am. been up rattling all night and now just plain bored and waiting for local supermarket to open so i can go buy smokes. my brother was here till about an hour and half ago then had to leave for to go to work on no sleep. lucky its saturday and he only has to work a couple hours before lunch. ive now caught up on all my tv, played too much solitare and have tuned into the morning kids shows as my 2 yr old has just woken up. tv doesnt seem very educatiinal anymore. all cartoon characters seem to communicate in beeps and odd sounds that definately dont qualify as english. even sesame street has changed. well its time to start another day, maybe get to catch a mid afternoon nap with my little one or not if i end up getting on again. which is highly likely. im off now to be normal everyday lilly. bye all. xo lilly

catching up

just catching u all up on my life. i been sleeping in late last few days. thats the outcome of the comedown from the meth. my usage this week has been lower i think... monday i used bout 3 points, tuesday i used about 3 points, on wednesday i had a point and then today (friday) ive had almost 3 in last couple hours but will probably smoke more shortly wen kid goes to sleep ad my mate comes over. im currently downloading my tv for the week so i got something to do later tonight. im all bingo'd out for the day. things going good with the guy im seeing. ass i said i deactivated my online dating profile and i think it was the right descision. hes good with my kids and they like him.thats a change. ive told my daughters dad im seeing someone and he seems quite ok with it....i think. i dont really need to tell the babys dad since he lives a state away and will just start the poor-me texts and shit again. anyway signing off, i got a few other blogs to read and such. xo lilly

When friends meet ur new guyfriend/fuck!

So its been approximately 3 weeks since i met my new bloke??/fuckfriend??. ...(sex and death guy from post 28/9). Not sure what we are yet but i did deactivate my online dating profile today so i guess I'm keen for more. Today the opportunity for one of my best friends to met him happened so they met. They got along really well so it didn't end up being so bad. Plus he finally met my 9 year old today and in true year old form, she decided to start the ball breaking requests from him straight away. i was quite impressed with how he interacted with her know it all attitude. My past relationships have always been with older men. at 18yrs i met the 41yr old father of my daughter, then at 21 i was with a 36 yr old for a year and a bit and at 23 i met my co accused ex SAM, whom you all know from his jail letters and my diary entries 2006 to very recent. The new guy is 30 yrs. old. About a year older than me, and in the past i said easily that i had nothing in common with guys my own age, but i have drastically changed my view. I think i used to believe an older guy would be faithful caus i was younger and being so much younger, was probably the youngest fuk he would ever get in life. boy was i wrong bout that. one of my ex is still now chasing 20yr olds at 50+ yrs now. And i guess meth cooks are attractive in their old age caus he is still pulling them in. I've become quite emotionally attached from my partners to protect myself so its scary to be feeling quite smitten with this new one...if that's what he becomes. Anyway, i think I'm rambling on and a bit rattled so ill leave it at that. its after midnight and about time i turn the lights down so the neighbours don't know I'm up all-night again and rest my brain for a couple hours. goodnight all xoxo Lilly xoxo

waiting for my trial 2008

2008 was a pretty hectic time. ill publish some of the bullshit letters i got from jail over the next year or so in my next post. it was all JAIL TALK. ALL BULLSHIT. if only i hadnt believed and relied on many things said from his cell.. it would of made the present easier to deal with i guess. ill shut up. the present comes after a bit more of my backround info.